


Something greater than loss

by Full_Of_Shame



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Darlene Alderson - Freeform, Elliot Alderson - Freeform, Hermaphrodites, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Male Lactation, Mpreg, Mr. Robot - Freeform, Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Post Mpreg, Pregnant Elliot Alderson, Sibling Love, Smoking, Unplanned Pregnancy, original child character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 05:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 35,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18147686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Full_Of_Shame/pseuds/Full_Of_Shame
Summary: Being fed up with his work Elliot thinks what's happening is normal until one evening turns his life upside down.





	1. Are You Okay?

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, hope you enjoy this fic, you may notice some similarities to my previous work but I do hope you view this story as it's own thing.

Early July - 6 weeks

Work is boring, don't get me wrong hacking is great, it's my workplace that sucks. Working at Allsafe has kind of become a chore, I guess I shouldn't complain because it pays my bills and allows me to buy things I need but maybe if something actually happened around here it wouldn't be so boring. I'm not going to lie Mr. Robot was a nice distraction, I wonder where he's gone. It's even worse when you feel like shit which I currently do. I puked my guts out yesterday and this morning and I felt terribly nauseous. Must've eaten something bad. I looked around the room from my cubical, the sound of office machines on constant repeat is driving me crazy. These little beeps every few seconds, I can't focus. People walking from left and right all around me, some of them even brushing past me causing me to tense up every time. Hasn't anyone turned on the AC? It's so hot. I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my palms, opened them wide and blinked a few times, it's too bright in here. The nausea is getting worse I need to go to the bathroom and wash my face. Just as I stood from my chair someone stood in front of me.

"Gideon?"

"Are you alright Elliot?"

I closed my eyes and swallowed the bile rising in my throat.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You don't look like it. You look like you're about to pass out."

"No, really I'm fine."

"Listen, I can clearly tell you're not okay. Take a couple of days off, get better and then come back, alright?"

I looked at the floor, you could never tell no to Gideon. When he's set on something he'll get it. He may not be great at running a company but he's a good guy.

"Alright, yeah. Thanks."

"Good, now go home."

He was about to put a hand on my shoulder but stopped midway remembering my aversion to touch, he walked away presumably back to his office. I must look terrible if people can tell I'm not doing well.  
I slid the key in the lock and opened my apartment door Flipper jumped at my feet, I have to walk her. About fifteen minutes later I got back and went to lay on my bed, I feel like shit. I reached the top of my dresser and lit a joint I had lying there. After a few minutes of smoking, my nausea went away, I wasn't high, it just went away. Great at least found a way to get better, not long after I reached my high. After the effects went away I fell asleep, I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on my door, looked at the time, it's two past eight PM. Whoever it is won't stop banging on my door.

"Open up Elliot."

I opened the door to see Darlene about to knock again, she looked at me and walked in. 

"What's up with you? Angela texted me, said to check on you, apparently, you're boss sent you home."

"Yeah, I didn't feel too well earlier so he told me to leave and get better."

"You sure it's just today? Angela said you didn't look too good yesterday either."

"It's just a stomach bug it'll pass. I'm fine." 

She walked up closer to me.

"Remember, people, care about you." 

She adjusted her backpack pet Flipper on the head and left. Frankly, I don't feel any better so I just went back to sleep.

***

Next morning I woke up with flipper next to my face, I closed my eyes again and took in a deep breath, immediately the smell of her fur made me sick. I quickly got out of bed and rushed to the bathroom spewing my guts in the toilet bowl, I coughed to clear my throat. Flipper wandered over, sat next to me and cocked her head sideways confused. I sat on the floor my back against the wall. I let my head go limp and turned it to the side to look at her.

"It's not such a good morning now is it Flipper?"

She whined.

I stood up slowly regaining some strength, I didn't bother eating breakfast this morning in fear of seeing it come back up later. I may be off work today but that doesn't mean I don't have other things to do, I have an appointment with Krista today.  
Later I took a shower and walked Flipper, damned sickness doesn't seem to get any better. Walking around outside just made me realize more smells make me feel ill, the Chinese place in front of my building, dumpsters behind restaurants, coffee or even people walking next to me with a lit cigarette. But that also made me crave nicotine, I reached into my pocket for my half-empty pack, took one cigarette and lit it. I brought the stick to my lips and inhaled, my brain instantly reacting to the chemicals. I exhaled and took in the smell of the cigarette smoke. Just as quickly as my brain was satisfied if not faster my stomach revolted on me, I doubled over and puked into a nearby trash can. What the fuck? I've never had a problem smoking when sick. What is going on? I'm starving which is making things worse. I went to the store and bought the blandest thing I could think of. Crackers. That will suffice for now.

***

The good news is the crackers worked, I don't feel like puking every five seconds. I had to wait in the hall for my turn, every little new smell was challenging me with how potent it was. Why are my senses bombarded like that all of a sudden? This has never happened in the past. Maybe this is a sickness I never had before. Aside from that this was a day like any other, I sat across from Krista slightly off center god forbid I sat right in front of her, that would be way too awkward.  
Uh, fuck the nausea is back. 

"Are you alright? You went pale all of a sudden."

"Uh, yeah, I'm good." 

I looked around the room blinking a few times, I'm sweating. I brought a hand up to my mouth feeling my throat tighten. God not right know. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" 

Krista eyed me suspiciously. I can't take it anymore, I pushed myself off the couch towards the trashcan by her desk emptying the contents of my stomach. 

"Oh god, Elliot."

I retched, bile the only thing left in my stomach. Krista stood up and poured me a glass of water, she crouched next to me.

"Here, have some water."

I kneeled on the floor, took the glass from her and cautiously drank it. 

"Thank you."

She nodded.

"I'm sorry, I'll, I'll take this trash out."

It's the least I could do right now.

"No Elliot leave it, it's alright." 

She helped me to my feet, I grabbed my backpack about to head out the door.

"Elliot, stay a little. You shouldn't be walking if you feel sick, sit down please." 

I looked from her to the couch and decided to stay, maybe she'll let me leave sooner that way. 

"Lie on the couch, you'll feel better."

I hate lying on this couch, it feels weird. That's why I always sit. I always thought it bizarre when they show people in movies lying on their therapist's couch, no-one does that. About 10 minutes later when Krista was sure I wasn't going to puke on the street she let me go home. I really hope I'll get better soon, this is really getting exhausting.


	2. Not A Man's Man

Early August - 10 weeks

Ugh. Something is seriously wrong, I'm still sick, it never went away. I've been mostly surviving on saltine crackers these past four weeks, sometimes being able to eat something normal. What on earth is happening to me? I haven't been able to work, I'm tired all the time and suffer from headaches. I know you're not my doctor but do you have any idea what's going on with me? This really sucks. 

"Uh, Elliot. Your nose is bleeding."

I turned to the left to see who's talking to me, It's Lloyd.

"What?"

"Your nose." He pointed towards my face.

"It's bleeding."

I felt under my nose with my fingers. There's blood on them, quite a bit actually. I looked down at my desk right as a drop of blood fell from my nose to join the already pre-existing cluster of crimson red dots. Not having any tissues handy, I quickly got up to go clean my face in the bathroom but before I could do so I felt a pounding ache in my skull and my eyes hurt. I stopped in my tracks my vision getting darker and darker until it was all black.  
When I woke up I realized I was on the couch in the break room, I rubbed my forehead with my palm trying to clear my mind.

"Don't sit up yet."

I looked at the counter to see Angela standing there with a cup of coffee.

"Angela?"

I touched my face, it's clean. Someone must have washed my face while I was passed out.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, Lloyd says you had a nosebleed so you stood up I suppose to go wash your face but collapsed on the way there." 

I waited for her to say something more.

"I couldn't leave you all bloody so I cleaned your face with some wipes I had in my purse."

"How long was I out?"

"About 10 minutes." 

Deciding I laid for long enough I sat up.

"Hey slowly. I don't want you fainting on me again."

Whatever. I stood up my head still a little dizzy. I tried to take a clumsy step, probably looked like a newborn deer. Angela walked up to me and grabbed my upper arms holding me steady.

"Elliot, I'm not joking around. What is going on with you? You've been off for a month, don't think I didn't notice. You're tired all the time and now this. Is there something you're not telling me?"

I looked at her right eye then the left and back. I don't know what's going on either but I can't tell her that.

"Angela, nothing is going on, I'm just a little overworked and what happened today... it's probably the atmospheric pressure."

Not something I would usually say but I had to come up with some bullshit answer. She didn't buy it but she'll let it slide. I can tell.

"Just be careful Elliot."

"Yeah." 

With that, I left to get back to work. Thank god it was time for me to leave, I grabbed my backpack and left. On my way home I stopped by a cheap shop to buy a pair of jeans, weird I've been sick for weeks barely eat anything yet somehow my pants have gotten tighter. Have you seen Mr. Robot I haven't seen him in like 2 months, it's weird he never leaves for this long. 

"You called?"

Mr. Robot stood beside the red railing of my apartment building eating an apple, I stood next to him before walking through the door. 

"Ugh, you stink." 

I could smell a mixture of booze and cigarettes coming off of him.

"You high or something kiddo?" 

"No just sick. Why were you gone."

"Ah you know, had a little vacation, relaxed and what not."

"Vacation? You do realize you sound suspicious, right?"

"No, I'm not, it's you who is suspicious of me and that's not the same thing."

Whatever I guess he's back now.

***

*BANG*BANG*BANG*

"Open up Elliot!"

What does she want again?

"Darlene, you don't have to abuse my door for me to open it."

She walked past me and went to sit on my couch.

"Elliot, what's going on?"

Would people stop asking me that? Jesus.

"Nothing is happening. What do you want?"

"You know, I find it quite sad that to know anything about what's going on with my own brother, I have to be asked to check on him by his coworker. Something is obviously wrong with you. Why didn't you say anything?"

She looked at me trying to understand my silence.

"I'm not walking out of here until you tell me what's going on."

"Darlene..." I sighed and looked at the floor.

"I, don't know. I admit, something is wrong with me but I don't know what it is."

"Then maybe you'd be so kind as to tell me what is wrong with you. Because you honestly look like shit."

"Well I haven't stopped puking for a month now, I'm tired all the time and I passed out at the office today. Be so kind as to tell me what illness could cause that."

"Come, sit down." She patted the seat next to her.

I sat beside her and turned to look at her, suddenly I felt some sort of chemical flower smell. The scent automatically making me queasy.

"Are you wearing perfume?"

"Just some knock-off brand I bought I while ago, though I'd give it a go. You like it?"

She brought her wrist up to my face to smell it. My stomach rebelled against me so I dashed for the bathroom.

"Elliot, are you okay?"

All she heard in response was the sound of me retching. She hurried over to me and rubbed my back in a soothing motion. When I was done she helped me stand and get back to the couch, she walked to the sink and poured me a glass of water.

"Okay, let's talk through what just happened." She handed me the glass.

"Wasn't that self-explanatory?"

"Let me get this straight, you just got sick from the smell of my perfume?"

"Well, it's a bit rancid. Don't you think?"

"I'm gonna ignore the fact that you just degraded my perfume and focus on the fact that, Elliot, people don't just vomit from smelling a fragrance."

"What do you want me to do, it's not just that, most things have made me sick over the last month. Coffee, cigarettes, I've pretty much stopped smoking since every time I try I barf. Hell, even Flipper makes me sick if she gets to close."

Darlene just stood there her arms crossed, thinking.

"Have you ever considered that maybe you're not sick?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you're not a man's man if you know what I mean." 

You may not know what she means. I'm a hermaphrodite. I knew I'd have to tell you at some point, didn't really think it would go that way.

"First of all, I haven't been with anyone and second of all, I am not gay Darlene."

"How else are you going to explain this? It's gotta be."

"I may have a uterus but I'm not virgin mary. There's a piece in your puzzle that's missing."

"Can we at least make sure I got the puzzle right and then worry about the missing piece? I'd rather have one mystery, not two."

"What?"

"Go buy a pregnancy test. You know? Rule out one option."

"I'm not doing that, it'll be negative anyway."

"Fine, I'll go and spare you the embarrassment."

Before I could say no she was out the door.

***

A half hour later my apartment door flung open, Darlene walked in and threw three little boxes on my coffee table.

"Three different ones so we can be sure."

"Darlene, any of these reproductive organs that I have are most likely underdeveloped, which is why I don't bleed on my period anyway. This isn't going to work."

I was still trying to get the idea out of her head. Of course, I don't believe it, although I can't help and maybe think what if? But that's not possible.

"Elliot last time you got checked you were seventeen. You don't know what could have changed."

I rolled my eyes, she really isn't going to let this slide huh?

"It's not like it's going to kill you. If you take them and if they're negative then you've proved me wrong and I won't bother you with this anymore."

"Fine."

I stood from the couch, took the three boxes with me and locked myself in the bathroom. I unboxed the damned things and peed on each one, waiting for them to work. One of them is apparently so sophisticated it tells you how many weeks it's been.

"Anything yet?" Darlene asked through the closed doors.

"Still waiting."

Not long after, little beeps came from each of the sticks in order of use. I'm nervous. Why am I nervous? It's not like this is going to work. Right?  
I looked at the first one. Positive. It's probably faulty. The second one. Positive. Fuck... I can hear my heart pounding in my head. I looked at the last one. Pregnant 3+. I stared at it blankly, the word etched into my brain. This can't be real, this isn't happening. I grabbed the three tests opened the bathroom door and threw them on the floor. Closing the door behind me I locked myself in the bathroom again. I sat on the floor my back against the door. I could hear Darlene pick up the tests. 

...

"Elliot please, open the door." 

No. I can't. This isn't happening. It can't be.

"Elliot, talk to me."

I started crying, holding onto my knees as tightly as possible. Darlene could probably hear me sobbing. 

"It's gonna be alright Elliot. We'll figure this out."

"How could any of this be alright?! I'm pregnant, there's nothing alright about that!" 

"Elliot, please come out of there."

I didn't, I just sat there, crying. Darlene sat on the opposite side of the door, waiting.

"Remember when we were kids and dad died? You took care of me. When I'd break something and mom found out you'd say it was you and take the blame. You always stood up for me and helped me when I needed you. Even though dad died I had you, Elliot. I don't want to lose you. I'll help you, Elliot, just like you helped me, you don't have to go through this alone."

"I'm scared Darlene." My voice was so faint I wasn't sure if she heard me.

"That's ok. If I were you I'd probably be scared too but we've got each other. Now Elliot, please open the door."

I regained a bit of my composure, I got up unlocked the door and opened it. Darlene stood there, compassion in her eyes. I walked over to her dragging my feet and hugged her. The floodgates opened and I began sobbing into her shoulder. She rubbed my back in a comforting fashion.

*Next Morning*

I woke up hoping all of this was just a twisted dream but when I saw Darlene sleeping on my couch I realized it was very much real. My brain turned on auto-pilot, the only way I know how to cope with this is to numb myself, I grabbed a pill of morphine and pulverized it in my grinder. I made my line on the circular mirror, I hunched over my coffee table and brought my hands closer about to take a deep breath in.

"No! Elliot stop!"

Darlene pulled me away from the table, grabbed the mirror and got rid of the powdered morphine in my kitchen sink. I didn't move a muscle, just stared blankly at the floor. 

"What the hell?! Why would you even do that?!"

"I'm an abomination I need to get rid of it." 

There was no emotion in my voice what so ever.

"What are you saying?" 

...

"Elliot, I understand you're still in shock but this is not... this is not... right."

"Next time you're in my shoes you can tell me what is right and what isn't. Oh, that's right, that's not gonna happen."

"So we're at stage two now huh? Anger. Interesting."

"What do you want me to do?" 

"Well, a good first step would be not to kill it."

"Those weren't my intentions, I just wanted to numb myself."

"I think that's the exact opposite of what you should be doing, you need a clear mind to really think this through. You need to come to terms with this, I know it won't happen in a day but at least try."

I have no idea what to think right now so this will definitely take time.


	3. Baby

September - 14 weeks 

Finally, I'm starting to feel better, my nausea seems to be gone and I'm not as tired as I used to be. Maybe Angela will finally lay off me. Shit, Angela. I can't tell her, she doesn't know about my condition, we may be close childhood friends but that doesn't mean she knows everything. Let's just hope she won't bring it up too often. I'll definitely do better at work since I don't feel like shit anymore but then she'll be asking me how come I'm doing good. There's no way out of this is there? I'll just have to avoid her as often as possible. Ever since I found out Darlene has been visiting me a lot more often, she might as well live with me she's at my place practically every day. Through some research and a bit of deduction we've estimated that I'm somewhere around three months along and judging by my symptoms, it seems I'm around 13 or maybe 14 weeks in, which means I'm starting the second trimester. How did I go for two full months without knowing? You could argue that it's because I didn't even take that into account. It's still hard for me to adjust to, I'm still not too comfortable with the idea but I can't do anything about it now can I? The more important question is how did that happen? I've asked Mr. Robot if he maybe knew something but he just congratulated me and said he had no Idea. 

"Oh hi, Elliot."

Seriously?! It's like she's spying on me or something.

"Hi, Angela." 

"Happy birthday." 

Oh right... it's my birthday, I forgot.

"Thanks."

I gave her a weak smile as to not show my frustration and act like I care about the birthday wishes.

"What are you doing here? You never come to the break room. Did you pass out again?"

"Very funny." 

My voice was thick with sarcasm, although she's got a point, that is true, I never come here. The only reason I walked in here was to see if I could find anything to eat. I'm hungry a lot more often now as if my body is making up for the last three months. How do I get out of this?

"You looking for anything?"

What? Okay, how would she know that? I looked at the counter full of different assortments of beverages.

"No, just wanted to drink something." 

Shit, I can't have coffee, it's bad for me now. Why did I say that? I'll have to make tea I guess? I reached the top cupboard for a mug, I felt a sharp electric pain in my lower abdomen. Since Angela is right next to me I can't react and have to stifle my pain, thankfully it didn't last long. I set the mug down grabbed a tea bag and turned on the boiler.

"Since when do you drink tea?"

"Since when do you ask so many damned questions?" 

Woah where did that come from? Angela was surprised, didn't expect me to retaliate like that. To be honest, I didn't either, I don't know what that was.

"Well someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

"Whatever." 

I really need to start avoiding her. Once my tea was done I took my mug and got back to work.

***

At least now the first thing I do when I get back from work isn't sleeping, I can walk Flipper or something. I have a little more energy in me now. While in the shower I did notice a slight change to my stomach, there seems to be a small curve to it. I haven't thought of that, my stomach will get bigger, people are going to notice, I'm gonna have to quit my job, Fuck. I should be alright for a while, my shirts are big enough to hide it for a bit but I don't know how long that's going to last.

"Elliot, you home?" 

I heard Darlene from outside the bathroom. I quit drying off put on a loose shirt and some sweatpants. 

"Happy birthday." 

She held her arm out to me, holding a piece of clothing, I took it and unfolded it, it's a t-shirt. I held it by the shoulders with my arms outstretched in front of me noticing it's larger than my other shirts.

"It's not my size."

"Well, you're not gonna get any smaller."

I don't need to be reminded of that.

"Whatever. You plan on coming here every day for the next six months, or is that a temporary thing? Because if so, you might as well just move in, you don't even knock anymore."

"Are you serious? You'd let me stay?"

"Yeah, I wouldn't have said it otherwise." 

"Thanks, it'll be nice to stop couch surfing for a while. And trust me you'll need help when your stomach gets bigger."

I closed my eyes trying as hard as I could not think about that visual.

"Please don't even talk about that Darlene."

"I guess you're still not a hundred percent okay with what's happening." 

"Nope and not sure I'll be in the near future either." 

"I know there's no way for me to know how you feel right now but why are you so hostile about it?"

I looked at the ground. Is that how I'm coming across? Hostile. Never meant for it to end up that way.

"I don't mean to. I don't know, it's just... This is a very unusual situation for me and the fact that it came up so suddenly and I don't even know how. It's hard to describe my feelings about the whole thing. I know this thing inside of me is innocent and has nothing to do with it, I guess it's the situation I'm mad about." 

"It's not a thing Elliot, It's a baby." 

I guess I'm still too uncomfortable to admit that there's a human being inside me.

"So you'll bring your stuff over tomorrow?"

"Elliot, please just say it." 

"What?"

"It's a baby. Why is that so hard for you to say?"

"Why is that so important to you?"

"Because you're distancing yourself from it that way." 

"Kind of hard to do that since it's literally inside of me." 

"Stop being a smartass, you know what I mean. Why do you not like this kid?" 

I stood right in front of her and looked her in the eyes.

"You want me to say it huh? You want that so much, fine! I'm pregnant, there's is a fetus in my uterus, there's a child in my abdominal cavity, There Is A BABY In My STOMACH." 

Darlene stood there, said nothing, frozen by my outburst. I stared at her my eyes so wide they almost flew out of their sockets, my breathing heavy almost yelling the last part. Having said those words in their simplest form struck a chord in my heart. I looked at the floor, my breathing slowed down.

"There's a baby in my stomach..." 

I said it a touch of disbelief in my voice. The words registering in my brain for the first time since I've known of its existence.

"It's just a little baby." 

I still couldn't believe what I was saying. In a trance-like state, I sat down in the chair next to me. Darlene looked at me pity in her eyes. 

"I think you should rest, you had a tiring day." 

She helped me up and to my bed. 

"You'll feel better when you'll sleep it off."


	4. You Did What?!

Early October - 18 weeks

After what happened last month, I think it definitely changed my perspective on things. I don't know why I was so resentful, I was having a hard time coping with the notion of having a baby inside of me. If Darlene wouldn't have made me say it I think I would've still been fighting this, even though it was a lost battle from the start. I'm not crazy about this kid or anything but I definitely am not angry with it anymore, I'm relieved. I don't know how I would be living with myself, so stuck up, my resentment toward it had made me an angry person. Even Darlene told me I'm nicer. Was I really that blind to my own emotions? But I'm better now, let's focus on that. Darlene moved in with me, this whole situation is crazy she takes care of Flipper when I'm gone and sits on her laptop all day reading things about pregnancy to tell me all about it when I get back from work. She also bought a copy of 'What to expect when you're expecting.' how cliché. I've sneakily been reading bits of chapters when she's not here. It said that it's starting to move around the fourth month, I should start to feel something soon, I did feel something in my stomach at work earlier today, little jabs. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've been getting nosebleeds regularly so now I always keep a pack of tissues in my pocket, apparently, it's because there's more blood running through my veins, that's crazy. They also mention how big the fetus is and compare it to fruits and vegetables, at 16 weeks Darlene came back from the store with a bunch of avocados so I could visualize it. It just felt weird, to be honest. I have to quit my job soon. A month or so from now my stomach is gonna be hard to conceal, of course, Angela won't stop questioning me about what's happening I try to avoid her as much as possible but it's kind of hard when she comes straight to my cubical. Because she knows me better than anyone else at the office I'm afraid she's going to somehow find out, notice the physical change sooner than others. She's already suspicious, I think she keeps an eye on me when I'm not looking. I should be more careful around the office.

***

"Hey, Elliot."

Darlene greeted me from her seat on the couch, laptop on her crossed legs.

"What are you reading about this time huh?" 

I took off my backpack, put it down next to my desk and stripped off my hoodie, the fabric of my shirt getting a bit snug around my middle as I slid it off my arms. With the corner of my eye, I saw Darlene staring at my stomach, it's not too big but it's noticeable now. Ever since she noticed it, she stares when she thinks I'm not looking.

"The kid has fingerprints now."

I took note of the single artichoke which was placed on my desk.

"Let me guess, it's the size of an artichoke."

"Yep."

"You mind not buying every food it's the size of. It's nothing against the kid, I just think it's stupid comparing it to food. I can very much imagine how big it is without the physical representation."

"Fine, I'll stop but, watch your mouth it can hear you now as well."

"So what? I'm not having conversations with it what does that matter?"

"Because if you'd talk to it, even though it won't answer back, it'll know your voice over time and it'll be able to recognize you once it's born." 

"Not gonna be doing that, especially not at work."

"Then I will."

She stood up walked over and kneeled in front of me.

"Darlene, get up, we are not doing this."

Of course, she didn't listen and spoke to my stomach regardless.

"Hi baby, my name is Darlene, I'm your aunt. How are you doing?"

Almost as if to answer her, I felt something move within me. I brought a hand to my stomach my brows knitted together.

"You okay, Elliot?"

"I think, I felt a kick." 

"Really? Can I feel?"

"No, if I can barely feel them then you won't at all." 

I walked away still slightly puzzled by my emotions.

"Aren't you quitting soon anyway?"

"Yeah, tomorrow. I don't think my shirts can hide this parasite anymore."

"Aww cute, you're being affectionate in your own way." 

Darlene's words dripped with sarcasm. 

"Alright, alright, I won't call it that." 

I grabbed Flipper's leash and hooked it onto her collar, I need to walk might as well take the dog with me.

***

I was about to walk into my apartment building when Mr. Robot showed up.

"You sure you don't know how this happened to me?"

"That's why I'm here actually."

"I'm listening."

"I may have lied to you."

He scratched the back of his head. I stopped in the hallway in front of my door.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well... this whole situation may just be my fault." 

"What?! What did you do?!"

"I took over you a few months ago, you were mad or something so when I was you I was still angry and what better to do when you're angry than go have a few beers. Am I right?"

He tried to lighten up the situation although I don't like where this is going.

"What happened next?"

"I didn't really look at how much I was drinking and got so drunk I agreed to fuck some dude I met there. And I don't even like men. So yeah needless to see I bottomed."

"What?! You mean to tell me this kid, that I have to carry is the result of some one-night stand you had with a random guy at a bar!"

I was about to freak out my blood boiled. I whisper yelled not wanting the rest of the building to hear me, these walls are thin, trust me.

"It's not like you never had a one-night stand." 

All of a sudden I felt dizzy, Flipper barked not knowing what's happening. My thoughts hazy I saw the door open, Darlene let the dog in and helped me inside. She laid me on the couch and propped my feet up.

"Elliot, you alright?"

She brought me a glass of water setting it on the coffee table for now. After a moment I felt normal again.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, you almost passed out."

"I got dizzy I think."

My head was pounding.

"Can you get me an aspirin?"

"No can do, your roommate can't have any but have some water." She handed me the glass.

"Who were you speaking with? I heard you talking but when I looked through the peephole no one was there."

"Mr. Robot."

"You still see him?"

"That's the thing, he was gone for a while and then came back. Turns out he was gone because he's the one that got me into this mess."

"How?"

"Sometimes he can take over my body and when that happens I have no recollection of it but apparently about four months ago he got shitfaced and fucked a random guy at a bar. So your precious little niece or nephew is the magical result of a one-night stand." 

This couldn't possibly be any worst.

"Shit..." 

Darlene didn't know what to say either.

"I guess you'll want to give the kid away now huh?"

"No, this kid is mine, it's still half me. And since I don't know who's the other dude, it might as well be all mine."

Darlene was completely and utterly shocked by my answer.

"It's Mr. Robot who fucked up not the kid. Besides I've been thinking about it a lot recently, not to say that I like him or her but I don't mind it."

I think that made Darlene really happy, she didn't stop smiling the whole day.

*Next Day*

I walked in the direction of Gideon's office, my hands clammy from stress, butterflies in my stomach, not sure if that's from stress or if I'm feeling the kid moving. I reached for the door handle and walked in.

"Oh, Elliot. Do you need anything?"

He looked straight at me not understanding why I'd randomly walk into his office. 

"Gideon." 

I've rehearsed this so many times, don't fuck up. 

"I, I quit."

"What? Why?"

"I can't stay."

"No, I refuse your resignation."

Shit, this isn't how it was supposed to go. Do something.

"Why?" 

"Elliot you are my best employee I would hate to see you go, to work for some other company."

"Gideon, this isn't like that. I won't be able to come to work, I'm sick."

That's not too far-fetched anyway, he doesn't need to know the details.

"Oh, I'm sorry." 

He didn't expect that. 

"Can't you, I don't know, take sick leave?"

"This is gonna last a few months, sick leave isn't long enough. I can always come back after it's over but I can't stay."

"And what is this sickness, how does it affect you?"

Fuck I didn't expect him to ask.

"It's a... rare condition that runs in my family, it deforms the body in a grotesque way, it makes you all bloated and would make everyone really uncomfortable if I came into work like that and it also makes it very hard to function on a daily basis, but my cognitive ability isn't affected, so that's good."

"But you say it ends?"

"Yes, with the right treatment I should be back to normal in around eight to nine months." 

I have to give myself some time with the kid, there's no way I'd go back to work soon after I have it.

"Does it hurt?"

"It'll make me uncomfortable sometimes but I won't be in too much pain, I could still work but really, it's the physical aspect of it that prevents me from coming here on a daily basis. If you remember a few weeks ago I was very sick, that was the early stages of my illness." 

"How are you gonna afford treatment if you don't work."

Why is he listening to every word I said?!

"Let's try this, I give you two weeks paid sick leave and after I will allow you to work from home if that isn't a struggle. You could still work and get paid to take care of your treatment."

Is he really that desperate?

"If that's okay with you then I'll take it."

"Great, I'm glad we didn't have to part on a sad note, I hope you make a quick recovery."

"Thanks."

With that, I left Gideon's office and went back to work for the day.

***

"So, how did it go with your boss today? He let you quit?"

"No."

"What? What are you gonna do then?"

"You didn't let me finish, he's not letting me quit and instead proposed me paid sick leave and then working from home until I can come back."

"And how did that come about?"

"He thought I was leaving for another company, so I told him I'm sick. I said I have some rare grotesque condition and I won't be able to physically come to work."

"And he bought it? Hah, can't believe how gullible your boss is."

"Me, neither."


	5. Halfway Through

October - 20 weeks

I told Krista I won't be seeing her for a few months, she said I could email her if I need to talk while I'm away. Probably won't be doing that, as much as I like her I think a break from Krista will be a welcome change. It's good that I've managed to get away from work and the appointments before now, my stomach is way too visible, it' not big but it's stretching my shirts a bit now, people would be asking questions. I don't know how about you but I don't really want to be telling them that I'm pregnant. My pants don't fit me anymore, I just wear sweatpants now. There's no way I'd be going shopping anywhere like this so I sent Darlene to the store to buy some shirts and a bigger pair of sweatpants for later. My back is killing me, Darlene bought some sort of pregnancy band or whatever it's called and I didn't even ask her to. She said she read online that it helps once the stomach gets larger and can ease hip and back pain. As enticing as it sounds you're not gonna see me wearing that thing anytime soon. All of a sudden the door opened, Darlene walked in a huge smile plastered on her face and a cupcake in hand, one slender lit candle in the middle of it. 

"What are you doing?"

"Celebrating."

She closed the door walked over to me and held the cupcake in front of my face.

"Celebrating what?" 

"Do you even know how far along you are any more or am I the only one counting? You're 20 weeks along Elliot, you're halfway through. Now blow the candle out."

I blew the candle, more because she told me too, rather than to celebrate. I felt the kid move 'slow down kid, you're not celebrating anything'. I know Darlene, there's something else she wants but she needs a pretext so that it's not the main focus of the conversation. She pulled the candle out of the cupcake and handed it to me.

"You can eat it now."

"Alright, I know you didn't just give me this cupcake because I'm halfway through being done with this. What do you want to talk about?"

"Can't even do anything nice without being suspected of some ulterior motive, huh?"

"Come on, spill."

She looked at me annoyed knowing she won't get away with it. She sighed.

"I know you won't like this but I think you should start looking for a doctor."

"I've still got time."

"No Elliot, you may know me but I know you too. You're just trying to avoid this for as long as possible. You can't do that or else you're gonna wind up giving birth in the ER. You have no plan, no doctor assigned, you're not a typical case, this needs to be done now and you know it."

I just turned away, I know she's right and I know she knows that but I can't do it, this isn't that simple.

"Don't you turn away, we have to talk about this."

She walked over and faced me.

"Elliot, please. I'm not saying this to annoy you, I'm telling you because I care."

There was a long pause, she's waiting for me to say something. I don't want to do this, people will think I'm a freak.

"I'm scared Darlene, they won't understand, they'll think I'm an abomination. I can't do this."

I looked away.

"Hey, hey, hey, look at me. Remember what I said when you found out. I'll help you, you don't have to go through this alone. I'll take care of you. I'll go with you to any appointments you'll have, you won't even need to talk."

I chuckled at that. I looked down at my stomach feeling the kid move about.

"Alright, I guess we should do something about it."

We've been standing for so long my back and hips are really starting to bother me.

"I need to sit."

I sat on the couch but it didn't really do much. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Darlene looked through the peephole.

"It's Angela." 

What the hell does she want? 

"Open the door, I know you're in there, the light is on."

Shit, she can't see me she'll notice something's off about me. I grabbed the covers Darlene sleeps in and covered my stomach with them. Darlene opened the door and let her in.

"Elliot, what's going on? You leave work without telling anyone but Gideon, you don't answer your phone and give no signs of life for two weeks."

Truth be told Angela's the only person whose calls I didn't answer, she only asks questions, she's too suspicious.

"Well, Gideon needs to know he's my boss."

"I'm Your FRIEND Elliot. Maybe it crossed your mind at least once that I need to know too. Why did you leave anyway?"

"I didn't, I work from home."

"Yeah, Gideon mentioned that. The reason? Because you're sick? Bullshit! There is no rare condition in your family, I know you since we were kids, you never mentioned anything like that."

"Angela I don't have any obligations to tell you everything. Has that ever occurred to you?" 

"Angela leave." 

Darlene could see the argument was starting to get heated, that's not good for the kid.

"What? Is your sister your bodyguard now?"

I didn't say anything she'll leave eventually. She kept standing there, waiting for me to say or do something but I didn't.

"Leave." 

Darlene insisted waiting with the door open. Angela finally had enough of this and left. I could finally relax.

"You okay?"

She came to sit down next to me.

"Tired but I'm okay."

Flipper padded over to the couch. Darlene grabbed her and put her down in between us.

"Why is she so hellbent on knowing that's something is going on."

"Probably for the same reason I was, she cares about you."

"She sure has a weird way of showing it."

"Yeah... I'm kind of worried she won't stop coming here though. What are we gonna do about that?"

"I don't know, but I also don't want her to find out even though she probably will at some point."

"It's kind of hard to hide a baby."

We both chuckled.

*Next Day*

We sifted through the staff of NYC hospital in the Gynecology and Obstetrics department looking for a doctor that could take care of me.

"You'll want it to be a woman, trust me."

"Why?"

"Which one would you rather a dude or a woman between your legs."

"Ugh, you're right."

Narrowing it to just women cut down the search a bit, we looked for a one that we could be sure wouldn't run around the place telling her colleagues about me.

"Found one. Erica Daniels."

Hacked her social media accounts, looked through her emails. 

"She seems alright."

"Want me to call in? Know if she's available?"

I nodded my head in agreement, Darlene is more comfortable talking about this, she'll do a better job of explaining. She took her phone and dialed the number.

"- Hi, is this doctor Erica Daniels? 

\- I'm calling to know if you're available to take on a pregnancy.

\- About twenty weeks."

Not being able to hear the other end of the conversation is a bit stressful.

"- There is one thing though, this isn't your typical pregnancy."

There we go she's about to say she won't do it.

"- The mommy to be is a man."

I could hear the pause on the other end. 

"- In all honesty, if we could set up an appointment with you, you'll see I'm not lying. This is not a joke."

"- In two weeks? That's sounds good. Alderson. Alright, thank you."

She hung up.

"And?"

"I just got you an appointment for your 22-week prenatal visit in two weeks at 12:00."

"She agreed? Oh no, it's actually going to happen."

"Hey, don't freak out, it's gonna be okay. She's a bit skeptical, as one would be I suppose, but she really wants to see you and said she'd be happy to take you on."

"I hope."


	6. How You Doin'?

November - 22 weeks

Today is the day of my appointment, I have no idea what to expect. Darlene tells me not to worry but that's pretty much all she says nowadays. I put my hoodie on and we went in the direction of the subway. As luck would have it all the seats are taken so we have to stand. 

"I wish I looked like a woman right now, so someone would give me their seat."

I stood next to a pole trying to keep my balance, my eyes shut. My hips have been hurting me all morning and it only seems to get worse.

"Are you okay? You seem in pain."

"It's 'cause I am." I mumbled.

"I Wish I could sit down. It feels like my hips are slowly being pushed apart."

"That doesn't sound good."

The train stopped, only one person stood up, leaving the car. Darlene jumped at the free seat beating some college kid to it. She waved me over and let me sit down. 

"Thanks."

***

At the hospital we had to wait in the waiting room, there where these teenage girls waiting under a different room but they kept looking my way whispering. At one point their whispers got louder.

"How far along do you think she is?"

"That guy looks like he's the one pregnant."

They burst out laughing. They way my hoodie hugs my stomach makes it kind of obvious, I hunched forward, maybe that will hide things a bit. I've been listening to them since we got here that's not their first remark but this time Darlene noticed. She put her hand on my thigh.

"Don't listen to them, they're just stupid little girls." 

I felt the kid move, it moves more when I feel a strong emotion. Needless to say, I'm very nervous right now.

"I knew I shouldn't have come here."

"Stop it, I know it doesn't change anything but to them everything is funny. Everyone else is just minding their own business."

We waited for a while since we were the last name on the list but it was finally our turn. We walked into the room and were greeted by the doc, she offered us a seat.

"Alright, I guess the first thing to know here is how come this is happening. Are you transgender or..."

"No... I'm a hermaphrodite." 

I was looking at her desk, it's hard to make eye contact talking about this.

"Interesting, that's pretty rare for a hermaphrodite to have two sets of functioning reproductive organs, much less carry a pregnancy this far along with no medical assistance. I don't know whether to congratulate you or feel bad for you."

What's that supposed to mean?

"I'm gonna need some information so I'll ask you a few questions. How tall are you?"

"Five feet, eight inches."

"Do you smoke?"

"I quit a little over three months ago."

"Use any drugs?" 

"Not in the last four months."

Usually, I wouldn't admit this but this isn't about me. I have to be honest. 

"It says in your hospital records that you suffer from depression, anxiety, and mania. Do you take any prescribed medications?"

I didn't answer that. 

"He has a prescription but he doesn't take them." 

She took notes of everything we said. 

"Good Mr. Alderson."

"You can call me Elliot."

"How do you feel emotionally Elliot?"

"I'm good."

There's a lot of things I can admit but I sure won't talk about that.

"And how do you feel physically? Any strange aches and pains?"

"I don't really know what's considered normal here but I've been having strong pain in my hips in the past few days like they're being pulled apart and it just seems to get worse."

"Why didn't you tell me anything?" 

Darlene got upset.

"I just thought that's how it's supposed to be, but it's really painful now."

"Well, for one, your pelvis was not made for this. It's much narrower than a woman's, you'll also probably have a more oblong belly since your uterus is pushed out of that narrow space. Two, during pregnancy, your body produces a hormone that relaxes your muscles and ligaments so it will get a little bit wider, usually, that's all but sometimes it can cause what's known as Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) which characterizes itself by severe pain in the pelvic region."

"Is there anything he could do to not be in pain?"

"There are special belts that wrap around the abdominal area that can help by supporting the belly, it's won't take all the pain away but it should help."

Darlene just gave me this knowing look. 

"Do you feel the baby move and if so how are these movements?"

"It's definitely more active, it's not single jabs anymore."

"Good. Now I'm gonna have you stand up and stand on that scale please."

How much weight could I possibly have put on? I probably fucked up by not eating right. Shit.

"Hmm."

"What?"

"How much did you weigh before you got pregnant?"

"I don't know, 155 pounds maybe."

"I suppose you don't have the most nutritious diet. You've gained 11 pounds, that's on the low end of the spectrum." 

Yeah, I fucked up. 

She walked over to the exam table and patted the seat.

"Jump up. Not literally I want to check your blood pressure."

"Is it going to be okay?"

"I'll only be able to be definitive after a thorough examination. Remove your hoodie please."

I handed it to Darlene, she mouthed 'You're gonna be okay.' Daniels put the cuff on my upper arm.

"115/75 that's good. Take off your shirt, it's gonna make things easier."

I froze, I don't want to remove my shirt in front of her. This is making me uncomfortable.

"Uh, Dr. Daniels could you give us a moment?"

I think Darlene noticed. The doc looked at us and paused for a moment.

"Sure... just open the door when you're done. And, call me Erica."

She walked out into the hallway. Darlene stood in front of me.

"What is it?'"

...

"Elliot, I can tell you're thinking about something."

"I don't want to take my shirt off."

"Well you have too, she needs to examine you. Are you embarrassed?"

"Yes." I hissed.

"Why?"

I lifted my shirt to show her. 

"I don't see anything wrong."

"My belly button is weird, it wasn't like that before."

"You're pregnant it's normal, it's gonna change a bit."

She rubbed my forearm.

"C'mon, take it off."

She grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head.

"See, you're okay, it'll be fine. You have a cute bump."

"I wish you hadn't said that."

"Yeah, me too."

She went to open the door.

"Alright, can we get on with it? Great."

Erica took a stethoscope and began listening to my heart.

"Alright, lie down now."

I lied down, she began to press on my stomach, the touch gave me shivers, the hair on my arms stood up. I could feel the kid reacting to her pushes.

"Relax, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm going to measure the fundal height from your pubic bone to the top of the uterus."

She held a paper tape measure uncomfortably close to my groin while pushing with her fingers right above my navel. 

"Twenty-one centimeters, it should be at twenty-two give or take two centimeters so you're in the clear."

Out of nowhere, she went from my stomach to my chest.

"Ouch, what are you doing?"

"I've noticed slight pectoral swelling. Have you experienced any pain in recent months?"

"When you push on my chest yeah." 

I rubbed my chest to make it better, now that I think of it, it has become sensitive.

"We'll do an ultrasound now."

She sat down on a stool and grabbed the ultrasound wand from the machine.

"This is gonna be cold."

The screen on the machine was all fuzzy until the profile of a baby appeared. That's it, that's in my stomach. This little humanoid bean is inside of me? This whole situation is strange, I never thought of myself in this position.

"It has ten fingers, ten toes, physically your baby looks alright."

She clicked something on the machine and a fast rhythmic sound filled the room.

"You hear that? That's your baby's heartbeat."

This is so strange. Darlene walked over.

"Can you tell the gender?" 

The doc looked at me.

"Well, do you want to know?"

I shook my head yes, at least I think I do.

"If the baby would like to cooperate, I can see... that... you're having a boy."

"That's awesome, Elliot you're having a boy."

Darlene was way more excited than me, not that I'm not excited, I'm shocked. Erica took the wand away and wiped my stomach clean with a paper towel.

"For today that's all." 

I got off the exam table, about to put my shirt back on. 

"Wait, one more thing."

She took out the tape measure again and measure the width of my hips.

"I'd like to keep track of your hips' width to see how wide they'll get."

After I got dressed we sat down at her desk to talk everything over.

"So, it seems that because of your bad habits in your first trimester the baby did not develop at the rate it should have, the good news is, he looks really good given the fact you had no prenatal care prior to now. It's a miracle you didn't suffer anything either." 

I get it, I screwed up.

"Since you're at 22 weeks it would seem you conceived sometime around late June so I'd put your due date somewhere around March 15th. Now, he's a bit smaller than average due to your low weight gain. The baby looks to be developing at a good rate now but I'll only be conclusive after our next appointment."

She pointed at Darlene.

"You, have to change his eating habits, he should be eating small meals six times a day of high nutritional value."

"Why are you telling me that?"

"No offense honey but look at him, there's no way he cooks for himself and you obviously care about him, you'll do alright."

She looked back at me.

"I'll keep an eye on your chest and your hips if anything strange happens you tell me. Now if you're ever in pain it's so excruciating you can't stand it anymore, you can take Acetaminophen but still, don't abuse it. No painkiller is safe in your condition. Now go pick up some prenatal vitamins, over the counter ones will do, although I suggest you do it, Miss, it will look strange if he does it. Take 'em every day. I'll see you in a month."

***

After the appointment, we got back to the apartment, I don't know if it was just me but that doctor seemed a bit cold. My hips were kind of numb all day but since we had to stand in the subway again the ache is really getting to me now.

"God, I give up, give me the damned band." 

"The one you said you didn't need and will never wear?"

"Yeah, that one." 

Won't lie, I'm embarrassed to have asked for it. Makes me feel weak. Darlene handed it to me. A black thick band that straps onto my stomach.

"You need help or?"

"I'm fine."

I got up, took my shirt off and tried to figure out how you put it on. The whole time I could feel Darlene staring at my stomach. I ripped the velcro open, wrapped the band around my hips and fastened it in front of me. Somehow I could already feel the pain lift.

"It said on the website that it provides instant pain relief."

"Don't know how they did it but I sure feel better already."

Darlene just had this look of 'I told you so' all over her face.

"Why do you stare?" 

"What? No, I don't. Stare at what?"

I caught her red handed, she won't get away now.

"You're literally doing it right now."

"No, I'm not."

I still hadn't put my shirt on, she definitely stares more when I'm not wearing one. She looked at the floor.

"Alright, you got me... I don't know, it's just, out of the two of us it's me who should be... I never thought things would turn out that way."

My demeanor softened, I didn't think she would feel that way; the kid is moving again.

"Not like I want kids right now but now that you're pregnant, it intrigues me. I kind of want to know how it feels like, I can tell when you feel it move, you get this look on your face, you have it on right now."

I looked away. Is it really that obvious?

"Sorry."

"Don't be, you didn't mean for any of this. All I want is to be involved, I'll help you with the kid when it comes."

"Do you... want, to feel?" 

I don't even know why I asked this is ridiculous.

"I don't, know if you'll feel anything but-"

"Can I really?"

She stood up her hand hovering close to my stomach, she's still unsure whether she could touch it. I grabbed her hand and placed it where he moves the most. After a moment her eyes lit up.

"You feel anything?"

"Yeah. It's faint but, it's there."

She seems really happy, it's crazy what little things can do.

"You're having a son, ain't that crazy?"

"If he survives..." 

I didn't look at her just kept my gaze down.

"Elliot, you heard her. He's healthy, a little small but we'll get you back on track, trust me."

"Sure..."


	7. The Fall

Mid-November - 24 weeks

Ever since I saw the kid on the ultrasound the thought has been kind of surreal, to see a physical representation that he's really there, it's strange. I get reminded of it every time I look at the fridge, somehow Darlene got a picture of that ultrasound and stuck it on there with a magnet. He's making me rethink all my life choices, that's funny. He's not even born but he's made such an impact on me. 

"Stop scratching."

"I can't help it." 

I can't stop scratching myself, my skin itches because it's dry. Now that I'm eating right the kid is taking it all in, I feel like my stomach is twice the size it was although that's not physically possible. He's really active too, sometimes I can almost see a foot or a hand as if he's trying to escape from the inside. My belly button is even weirder than it was two weeks ago, it's sticking out now, I hope that's the end of it. And there's this dark line running down my stomach too, what the hell is all of this? 

"I said: stop scratching."

"Ow."

Darlene slapped my hand bringing me out of my thoughts.

"What the hell?"

"Stop it, you're gonna give yourself a rash."

"But it's itchy." 

I do realize how childish that sounds.

"Uh, hold on a second."

She went to retrieve something from her backpack.

"Here, let me."

She crouched in front of me and lifted my shirt, unveiling a particularly irritated area near the side of my abdomen. She applied some cream to her fingers and massaged it into my skin. 

"Ouch."

"Well if you hadn't scratched it wouldn't sting."

"Whatever."

Looking over I noticed what the cream was.

"Really? Hand lotion?"

"You got a better idea? It's either that or you make this worse, I'll pick up some actual lotion later."

I zoned out for a moment, forgot my skin stings and just kind of sat there looking at Darlene.

"Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem."

"I think he likes when you're close." 

She glanced up for a second then looked back down.

"He moves more when he hears you." 

"I guess he likes me then. That's good."

She paused, smiled and pressed her palm flat against my skin.

"What's that like? You know, to feel him, moving within you."

"I couldn't possibly describe it, it's really something you have to experience."

I gazed at Darlene and then all of a sudden realized what this must look like; a pregnant dude with his sister crouched in front of him, hands on his stomach. And why am I so open all off a sudden? This isn't like me. Taking in the situation, I snapped out of it I quickly pulled my shirt back down and pushed myself further away from Darlene. I don't like the way this kid is changing my behavior.

"Thanks, Darlene, I'm fine now."

I turned my focus back to my work. Darlene surprised at my abrupt behavior didn't say a thing, I think she's upset, disappointed maybe. Perhaps she liked this little moment we were apparently having. She stood up grabbed her backpack and went out the door, leaving with a quick: 'I'm going out.' I should have handled this differently, shit. I guess I'll just get back to work. Since I still have to work for Allsafe I sit a lot in my chair, that may sound good but in reality, it sucks. Especially if there's a kid trying to stretch every possible direction inside of you, he makes me short of breath sometimes. When the pain gets too bad I wear the stupid belt... Alright, it's not stupid, it actually helps a lot. I feel like shit for making Darlene feel bad. 

"You're a bad brother Elliot."

"Yeah, and you're a bad father."

"Are you still mad at me? It's kind of stupid since I'm just in your head remember?"

"Shut up."

"You should've just let her have her moment, can't you see how happy she is about this kid."

He's bound to go away if I don't give him attention. 

*3 days later*

I must've really made Darlene mad, she hasn't come back since, I've sent her text messages but she doesn't respond and won't pick up her phone. I have to find her but 

I have no Idea where she would be. 

E: _Where are you?_

Maybe she'll answer this time.

I'm so naive... 

DARLENE: _Playground_

Good, now lets hope she won't move until I get there, I left Flipper in the apartment locked the door and went to find Darlene. She's at our favorite playground from when we were kids, dad used to take us there when he thought we needed some time away from mom. I took my first steps outside the apartment and walked in direction of the subway, I very quickly realized how much I need someone else to be with me. I feel so exposed, so vulnerable, people keep giving me looks, I hate it.

***

Took some time but I finally found her, sitting on a swingset swaying lightly, eyes aimed at the ground. I walked over and sat on a swing.

"Elliot?! Are you okay? What are you doing here? You should be at home. Why did you come here?"

"I came to apologize since you weren't coming back I had to come to you. I'm sorry for the way I reacted, it's just, something happened, I got startled. I didn't know what was going on."

"Don't. I was stupid with how I took it. I know you're not comfortable with it yet, I shouldn't have gotten angry at you and definitely shouldn't have left you I was gonna get back today. How did you do without me?"

"I managed."

We chuckled.

"Walking over here was atrocious, people stare way too much when I walk alone, I need you."

"You shouldn't have come, you shouldn't walk this much."

"I'm fine Darlene. Tired, but fine."

"Exactly you're tired and now we're gonna have to get back. Did you think about that?"

"Not really."

I felt a cramp in my stomach, I drew my hand closer feeling it intensify.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, it's just a cramp, probably Braxton hicks." 

"Well, look who's been reading. It's good to know you know more than I thought you did."

"I kind of have to."

"Alright, come on, let's get back home."

We stood up and headed for the sidewalk walking through sand and then on wet November grass, just as I was about to step on the concrete slab my toes hit the side of it. My foot slipped sending me face first to the ground, having had my hands in my hoodie pockets I was unable to properly protect myself from the fall. My knee hit the ground first getting covered in scrapes as a hole had formed in the fabric of my new black jeans, my hands having been caught in my pockets delayed my ability to protect my stomach, as it hit the ground just before my palms did, abating my fall a second too late.

"Ahhhh."

A cry of pain escaped my lips, I curled up feeling a pain in my side, Darlene quickly kneeled by my side concerned.

"Elliot! Are you okay? Talk to me."

"Ah- My side- it hurts-"

"That's it! I'm calling a cab. Can you get up?"

She helped me up and over to a nearby bench for me to sit while she called a cab. Having sat down my body calmed and I slowly began to feel pain radiating from my knee, as oxygen touched the scrapes and cuts it stung, and my wrist - although seemingly unscathed save for some minor abrasion, ached pulsating from within. Darlene came to sit by my side. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Aside from a scraped knee and sprained wrist, I think I'll live."

"And how is the baby?"

"I'm not sure, my side hurts but I can feel him, I think he's moving. I think he's okay."

"How bad is it? Show me."

I unzipped my hoodie and lifted my shirt on the side which I fell, a fresh big fist-sized bruise surfaced on the lower right side of my stomach.

"As soon as the cab gets here I'm talking you to see Dr. Daniels."

"No, I'm fine."

"Look at yourself you're pretty battered up and we don't know how he's doing."

"I said it's fine, it's late anyway. You can't make me go there."

While I was speaking out ride showed up.

"Let's get back."

***

Taking two hours to get back from the playground because of traffic it was already around ten P.M. once we got back, about an hour later Darlene fell asleep on the couch, I wonder where she slept those two nights she wasn't here. Over on my end, I decided to assess the damage my body sustained. In the bathroom, I washed my knee and my hands, the scrapes that cover them aren't too serious, two weeks give or take and they'll be gone. I took my shirt off, a cramp struck my side, hurting more than usual, it appears the bruise is more than skin deep, it's twice the size now and darker. Moving my top half proved to be an unpleasant activity. I got some ice from the freezer put it in a towel and laid down on my bed about to face a sleepless night. It's not the first time, I've gotten greatly uncomfortable at night because of the kid and this fall hasn't made things better but I guess I should rejoice myself that he's moving. 

(8 hours later.)

I haven't slept all night, the ache in my abdomen hasn't subsided, the ice only helped my wrist. The kid kicked me which hurts pretty bad now, I let out a pained moan which woke Darlene. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and looked my way.

"Hey, you doing any better?"

To be honest I'm afraid to tell her the truth. I half smiled.

"Rome wasn't built in a day, Darlene."

"Come over here."

I tried to get up from my bed but I couldn't, my skewed center of balance and aching side prevented me from it. Having failed to make my way over to her, Darlene walked up to me. Being closer she noticed my nasty bruise.

"That's it! I'm not taking more of your shit! You're hurt and you're putting the kid's life in jeopardy. I'm taking you to Erica."

She helped me up as gingerly as she could, threw me a change of clothes and got dressed as well. I didn't fight this time, the idea that he might be hurt because of my stupidity got to me, I had all night to think it through. What if he's actually in peril and I've made it worse? What if he is just slowly dying all this time and I'm letting it happen? Darlene got us a cab and called Erica to tell her we're coming. Once at the hospital, we went straight to her office.

"What happened?"

"He fell and wouldn't let me take him to you but I won't let it slide anymore." 

"And you're worried something happened to the baby. Alright Elliot, lie down and lift your shirt up."

I did as I was told exposing the worrisome purple skin stain. Erica felt around my stomach with her hands, causing me a great deal of pain in the process.

"Relax you'll live through it, It won't be long. Have you felt him move since you fell?"

She sat on a stool and turned the ultrasound machine on, roaming around my abdomen, looking to see if the kid is okay.

"Yes, he didn't really stop moving at any time, that's why I thought he was fine, I didn't think he was injured."

But now the guilt is eating me up.

"And... you were right not to worry BUT you should have gotten checked out as soon as possible. This could've been far worse."

Darlene was completely and utterly confused.

"What?"

"There is no fetal distress, he's wasn't hurt during your fall, you sustained most of the injury. However, you did suffer a marginal placental abruption, it's minor, grade one."

"Which means..." 

"The placenta tore away from the uterus, luckily to an insignificant degree, some minor bleeding occurred although it seems to have stopped now. Like I previously said your baby is unscathed, it's you who's hurt."

I breathed a sigh of relief, a stone fell from my heart. I brought my left hand up to my stomach and got a kick in response. Thank god he's okay.

"I want you on bed rest now, for a week."

"But-"

"No buts, you are not to move aside for bathroom brakes otherwise it could get worse. I'll see you in a week for your 26-weeks appointment, we'll see how things are doing then."


	8. Oh No...

Late November - 26 weeks

The week passed by very slowly, having nothing to do and being confined to a bed sucks. Now Darlene is mother-henning me like crazy, she wouldn't let me do a thing, especially if it involved standing, I couldn't even get myself a glass of water. Once she caught me walking over to the sink, immediately, she stopped me in my tracks made me go back to bed and brought me a whole pitcher over so wouldn't have to get up. I was however allowed to sit at my desk to work but for shorter periods of time. I hope Gideon won't mind. Ever since what happened two weeks ago I've had strange moments with Darlene but I try not to snap at her now, I don't want a repeat of all of this. Last time it happened I was engulfed in work focused on my screen when out of nowhere I heard her speak.

"You look cute when you do that."

Huh?

"Do what?" 

"You just sit at your desk so focused on your work, you absentmindedly keep one hand resting on your belly."

"You okay Darlene?" 

She looked like she was in some sort of a trans but suddenly snapped out of it.

"Uh, yeah, sorry. I'll go get some groceries."

With that she left the apartment, that was weird. 

Gladly she did like she said and only went to get the groceries and didn't run out on me. Although she is right, I keep my hand close to my stomach very often lately, I don't even notice it sometimes. I feel bad for almost losing him. I know Erica said he's fine but what if I wasn't that lucky what if something actually had happened? It would've been all my fault, I wouldn't have forgiven myself for that. Instead of getting help as soon as possible I only cared about myself, I was scared something DID happen to him I didn't want to face the consequences, I didn't want to face my failure as a human being. To have a progenitor, offspring a primal duty that is imperative to us as a species. I never really thought I'd have kids, much less carry one myself and to be faced with the realization that I've ruined my chance. I had one job and I couldn't even do that. It made me realize how much I've gotten attached to him. Him... He's a boy he's someone, knowing that makes it worse, it makes losing him that much harder. I really do hope he's okay.

"I'm Sorry kid, I'm already failing you as a father." 

He kicked my bruised side in response. Doesn't hurt as much as it used to, the bruise is not gone but it's smaller, it should turn all yellow soon and then it will be completely gone after that. Angela's gone back to texting me again, just when I thought she was going to let it go she comes back with a vengeance, she wants to meet up. I can't do that, for one I don't walk as much around town like I used to and second I don't want to tell her the truth, I don't want her to see me, she won't let it go. Everyone else at work who keeps any contact with me is cool with not seeing me for a bit but not her. I don't know what to do, I won't be able to keep up the charade for long. How am I gonna explain that I have a kid now?

"Hey Elliot, you ready?" 

"Yeah, I'm coming."

Got an appointment, hope the bed rest wasn't all for nothing.

***

"Hello Darlene, Elliot. How do you feel?"

"I'm good."

"Alright, let's get to it, you probably just want to see how the baby's doing but all in its time, this is still a regular appointment."

I stepped on the scale, last time we were here it wasn't all that good, I wonder what's it gonna be this time.

"And... 170 pounds, better, that's good you're in a healthy weight range. If you keep at it you should be just fine."

She checked my blood pressure, it's all good too.

"We're gonna do a glucose challenge test now, it's to see if you're at risk of developing gestational diabetes if you don't already have them."

She passed me a small paper cup with a viscous liquid inside.

"What's this?"

"It's glucose, in other words, sugar, drink it." 

I drank it and threw the cup in the trash, I then sat back on the exam table.

"In one hour I'll sample some of your blood and give it to the lab. Now let's check how's the main star is doing."

I lifted my shirt up and she began feeling around my stomach with her hands, I don't think I'll ever get used to that. I hate stranger's touch, especially if I don't want to be touched but for now I have to just grin and bear it. I don't think the kid likes to be manhandled either, Erica is a bit rough. Just like a month ago she took a paper tape measure and checked my fundal height. 

"25 centimeters, very well." 

She sat down on a stool and turned the ultrasound machine on. The wand gliding on my taut skin the gel as cold as ever. Darlene came closer and held my forearm, I'm not sure who's she trying to comfort more, her or me.

The image on screen cleared up so we waited for Erica to tell us what she sees. 

"Hmm."

"What is it?"

That didn't sound reassuring. 

"I'm just surprised at how lucky you seem to be. The baby is alright but what's even more interesting is, your abruption seems to have almost completely healed."

"That's good right?"

"Very good. In fact, you can stop the bed rest but - you have to take it slow, it could tear again and I'm not sure it'll heal a second time. No moving heavy boxes, no strenuous activities and you should avoid stressful situations. You hear me?" 

Easy to say, living with anxiety every moment is a stressful situation. But things are going well, it's alright, good. Darlene smiled at me rubbing my forearm, I don't think I had truly realized how much she likes this kid, damn. Erica pushed a button and a fast rhythmic sound filled the room, his heartbeat. 

"His heart is stable, from what I can see he wasn't affected by the fall and you seem to look as good as new too huh?"

"Yeah..."

"How's your wrist?"

"It's, good."

"Not too chatty are you?"

I didn't even answer, all my thoughts were focused on the kid now. 'I swear I won't fuck up like that again kiddo.' Kiddo? Hah, I spend too much time with Mr. Robot it seems. I'm not mad at him by the way. I haven't forgiven him but I can't stay mad forever. He's really trying to redeem himself, being nice and all, we'll see how things turn out. She turned off the machine and told me to get up, pulling the tape measure around my waist she measured my hips. 

"How's the pain?" 

"Manageable, the support band helps."

She hummed in approval, we sat down at her desk and she began writing some notes.

"Well, you're doing much better than a month ago, the baby is developing at a good rate you're doing good as well. For now, you don't have to change a thing, keep taking your vitamins and go easy on it. I don't want to see you here until next month. We'll wait till the hour is up and we'll check your blood."

The time passed slowly having nothing to do in a doctors office when the time came, Erica drew blood from my arm and they tested it. Gladly the results turned out negative, one less thing to worry about. Finally, we could get back home. We got ourselves an Uber figuring the subway isn't really the best mode of transportation for me at the moment. We stopped in front of the building, we were about to walk up the steps when I heard someone speak, their voice laced with a tone of uncertainty.

"Elliot...?"

Fuck, I am not ready for this. I lifted my head, eyes full of terror to see Angela waiting on the steps of my apartment building. Both Darlene nor I knew what to do.

"Angela, what are you doing here?"

She stood up.

"I, I, thought I'd come to see you but you weren't in your apartment, I thought I'd wait. Elliot, what happened to you?"

Needless to say, she can see everything, I didn't even bother zipping up my hoodie on the way back as it's getting too tight. I can feel my heart racing, shit, what now? Holding onto the red steel banister I made my way inside ignoring her completely. I got inside the apartment, slightly out of breath, Darlene right behind me closed the door in Angela's face. 

"Elliot, let me in I need to talk to you."

This is not how I pictured today. I could feel the kid getting restless probably from how tense I was, I caressed my stomach trying to calm myself down. Darlene walked over and held one of my hands. 

"It's okay, relax. Remember what Erica said; don't freak out. She'll leave soon." 

"Open the door or the whole building will hear me."

I looked at the door, my eyes as wide as two full moons. 

"Elliot, look at me, look at me. Go to the bathroom and lock the door, I'll take care of this."

Like she asked I locked myself in the bathroom, I sat on the side of the tub listening in to what will happen. I heard Darlene open the door and Angela walked in. 

"Where is he?"

"Angela leave."

"I need to see him."

"Well, he doesn't what to see you." 

She hit the nail right on the head, Angela is the last person I want to see right now.

"Quit your bullshit, Darlene. What is going on here? Why does he look like that?" 

I could hear Flipper getting agitated.

"It's none of your business Angela. We're not kids anymore, you can't just barge in and expect him to tell you everything."

"You're not his mom, I want to talk with him." 

"Go away you're not good for him right now, he's unwell. If he would've wanted you to know what's going on he would've already done it. Leave." 

I can't listen to them anymore, she's making me go crazy. I unlocked the door and pulled them wide open I walked out feeling a bit faint, blood boiling in my veins. 

They both looked at me speechless.

"ANGELA, FUCKING LEAVE OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!" 

I yelled, this being my last warning, she looked at me absolutely crushed. All three of us stood there in complete silence. I felt a tingling coming from my nose and suddenly felt weak at the knees. I held my head with my hand feeling a headache coming on, I grabbed the nearest chair and sat down. Darlene quickly came to my side.

"Elliot you're bleeding."

I touched my face under my nose to see two bloody fingers, I might've overdone it, the kid is even more restless now. I hid my face in one hand propped on the table the other resting on my stomach as a strong cramp seized me. Darlene stood beside me gently rubbing my back. 

"Calm down, your blood pressure is probably through the roof right now. How is the kid?"

I tried to even out my breathing rubbing the bruised side of my stomach.

"Not happy." 

And neither am I.

"What kid? What are you two talking about?" 

"Angela, I don't have the strength to fight you anymore."

I've had enough for one day, Darlene looked at me, a questioning gaze. I think she can tell I can't keep this a secret anymore. I kept my eyes down at the table.

"I'm pregnant... now leave!" 

Angela stood there frozen in one spot so Darlene grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her out of the apartment shutting the door in her face. Thankfully after receiving the answer to her questions, which probably created more questions, she left. I pinched the bridge of my nose feeling completely beat physically and mentally.


	9. I Don't Wanna Lose You

December - 28 weeks

Ever since Angela found out she won't quit trying to get ahold of me. At first, she didn't want to believe it, kept saying that I'm lying. Believe me, I wish I were, that way I wouldn't have to face situations like this. Now she's desperate, apologized to me countless times already but I don't answer back, my phone is full of unanswered texts from her. She even tried getting to me through Darlene, I think we all know how that went, heh. Ironic how a few months ago Darlene only new of what's going on thanks to Angela and now she won't let her see me. She came and knocked on the door a few times, thankfully the situation didn't spiral out of control again. I think Angela realized how stupid her behavior was. Maybe at some point, I'll meet with her but I'm not ready yet. Because of this whole incident I've been having nightmares, for some reason, Mr. Robot is in them too. It's always the same dream; of the day when Angela found out but there's always a different outcome. When will this stop? I'm so done with this kid. My hips hurt more too, the longer this goes on the worse I feel and the band isn't doing it for me anymore. It still hurts. Fuck, I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares and when I'm awake I'm in pain and can't sleep, what a vicious cycle.

***

I'm in the bathroom I can hear them argue. Why won't Angela understand I don't want to see her right now?

"Hey kiddo, relax, Darlene will take care of this."

Doesn't really sound like she's close to making her leave, Angela is pretty stubborn. What do I do if she won't leave? 

"This isn't good for the baby Elliot, stop working yourself up."

"I can't just sit here I have to do something."

"NO don't-"

Before he could stop me I opened the door wide open, they both looked at me speechless. What now? I have to say something. Uh, I don't feel so good, all of my senses are being abused right now. Mr. Robot is trying to pull me back inside the bathroom, too late.

"ANGELA, FUCKING LEAVE OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

That took a lot out of me, I feel like I may pass out, my head hurts. Mr. Robot helped me to a nearby chair, he stood by my side rubbing my back. 

"Relax kiddo, your blood pressure is too high."

My stomach is cramping more than I remember, this needs to end. Then Darlene spoke for the first time since I walked in. 

"Elliot, you're bleeding!"

I touched my face, I don't see any blood. What is she talking about? I then looked down, exhausted. On the chair between my legs was a pool of blood dripping down to the floor like some sort of horror movie, my sweatpants rapidly turning crimson. My heart started racing, I panicked, yelling like never before. Then I woke up panting, Darlene was kneeling next to me. 

"Elliot, Elliot slow down, relax."

She held me by the shoulders trying to calm me down. Slowly I regained my composure. 

"Another nightmare? You were thrashing and screaming." 

"Yeah..." My breathing was still a bit labored.

I felt my abdomen cramping, these Braxton Hicks are really getting uncomfortable now.

"Are you're hips bothering you again? Do you want a pain killer?"

Darlene probably saw the discomfort on my face.

"No, I'm fine. I don't want painkillers anyway, I don't want to risk this kids life even more than I already have."

"Alright, suit yourself. Was it the same dream again?"

I nodded.

"How did it end this time?"

I stood up walking over to the kitchen counter for a glass of water. 

"...I don't- remember."

To be honest I just don't want to talk about it. All these thoughts swirling around in my head I don't know what to do. All of a sudden Darlene gasped.

"What is it?" 

"Elliot, don't freak out but-"

"Then don't tell me not to." 

She stood up slowly walking over to me.

"There's blood on your sweatpants."

At the sound of those words my world crashed, no, no, nonono this isn't happening, I must be dreaming. This is a fucking nightmare. As Darlene got closer to me I took steps back, soon after my butt hit the counter, I can't move any farther. I touched my stomach for reassurance. If he moves he's okay, right? Right? He is moving, kicked me for good measure but for some reason that doesn't make it better. Tears began to well in my glazed over eyes. I crouched down my back sliding against the kitchen cabinets, Flipper walked over and licked my fingers. I shook my head helplessly, crying my eyes fixed on the floor. 

"I lost him. I lost him." 

It's over. 

Darlene crouched by my side. 

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay. It's not a lot of blood you'll be alright."

"Doesn't matter." My face and voice were emotionless. 

"Can you feel him? Is he moving?" 

I nodded, still facing the ground. she grabbed one of my hands with hers.

"Look at me."

Slowly I moved my head to face her, my eyes followed suit. 

"As long as you can feel him moving, he's okay. He's alright, trust me." 

She locked eyes with me.

"Now, I'll call Erica and ask her what to do. Please, stay calm, it's gonna be okay."

I stopped crying, she stood up to make the phone call, my eyes looked back at the floor. 'As long as he's moving he's okay.' I held onto her words for comfort, feeling as the life within me kept trying to move in its flesh based prison.

"Please be alright." 

I muttered under my breath, looking down at my stomach. I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to him and I failed. Again. Darlene finished her call and resumed her position next to me. 

"Wanna know how my nightmare ended?" I spoke my voice flat, my eyes still transfixed on the floor.

"You said you don't remember."

I looked up, straight into her eyes, my gaze letting her know very well I had not forgotten a single moment of that damned dream.

"I had sat down on this chair." I pointed to one of the chairs by the table.

"Just like two weeks ago you said I'm bleeding. I touched my face but I wasn't bleeding from my nose. I looked down and blood flowed from between my legs down to the floor, like a waterfall."

Her eyes widened in horror; my voice still flat.

"I thought I had lost him! Do you understand?!" 

My voice was getting erratic.

"Then, I wake up..." I looked away and back, tears had begun to well in my eyes again.

"And you tell me; there's blood on my pants. At that moment I thought maybe It wasn't all a dream and really did lose him." 

Hot tears were now actively streaming down my face. Darlene looked at me her eyes full of pity. 

"Oh, Elliot." 

She hugged me tightly, I sobbed into her shoulder, my resolve completely crushed.

After a moment she let me go.

"We're gonna get through this, alright?"

She put one of her hands on my stomach, she smiled.

"I can tell he's in there, I'm sure he's doing alright. Now come on, you're getting changed and then we'll go to Erica's to see what's going on."

With these last words, she helped me off the floor.

***

Erica's examination and ultrasound were inconclusive, she didn't find anything that would be cause for the bleed. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's okay but unexplained bleeding is still cause for concern. Apparently, the abruption didn't tear again so that's not it. There wasn't a lot of blood, it stopped by now yet still; I don't know what to think of all of this. The scan ended, I wiped my stomach clean and slid off the exam table.

"Elliot, I'd like to perform a physical exam, It would allow me to check for other causes of the bleed and I think it's time I had a look at what I'm dealing with." 

Please tell me she's not talking about what I think she's talking about.

"What physical exam?" 

"A pelvic exam."

I froze, god I really do not want this. I heard Darlene snicker behind me. 

"What's so funny?" 

Erica snapped at her; she turned serious right away.

"Sorry, Elliot."

I still hadn't made a move, I'm afraid of what's going to happen. Erica tried to hold my hand but I pulled away; I'm not one for heartfelt gestures.

"Listen, Elliot, I know the situation is hard on you right now since you're not used to any of this but I have to do it." 

I looked down feeling the kid move, I have to do it for him. Erica stared at me waiting for my answer, I finally nodded my eyes still looking towards the ground. 

"Darlene, leave." Erica began prepping the room.

"What, why?"

"No one is allowed in the room aside from the patient and the physician during the examination."

Completely miffed, Darlene took her backpack and left.

"Don't worry I'll be in the waiting room."

With Darlene out of the room, this isn't so simple anymore, it's always easier to deal with when she's here with me, makes me feel like I'm not completely the center of attention. Although right now that statement couldn't be more true. I stood in place, afraid to make a move while Erica set up her tools. That last thought sounded like it came from a horror movie. Is she gonna hurt me? No! I should stop being stupid, she's a doctor she's here to help me. In the one moment I need Darlene the most she's not allowed in the room. This is ridiculous. I can feel my muscles trembling with anxiety. I need you now, you're my only friend. 

"Alright, you can go behind the curtain and change into this gown."

She showed me to a corner of the room handing me a cotton hospital gown. Behind there I crouched down to remove my shoes feeling the burn in my thighs as I stood up. Took my pants and my t-shirt off, put on the gown and took off my underwear. Once done Erica told me to sit on the exam table. I sat at the end of the table between two stirrups, the most intimidating things at this moment in time.

"Lie down, put your legs in the stirrups."

I did as told, I still hadn't uttered a word in the last ten minutes.

"Scoot down lower, I'll talk you through it as I go so you'll know what's going on, okay?"

I hid my face in my hands. What the fuck is happening? 

"I'm gonna touch you now."

A few seconds later I felt her gloved hands pushing my balls out if the way.

"Well, this is different. There's no clitoris and no labia minora. When was the last time you had it checked?" 

Oh fuck, she's gonna be asking me questions now? 

"Uh... 'bout ten years ago."

"So this isn't your first examination. Is that correct?" 

And I thought it would be the last, I thought I was gonna be able to forget about it.

"...Yes."

"I'm going to use a speculum now. Do you know what it is?"

"Yes." 

I wish I fucking didn't. I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing for this to end faster. She removed the device out of my orifice and proceeded to insert two fingers in return. I hate the feeling of something being up there, I thought I'd never have to deal with it again.

"Alright, I'm done. You can sit back down."

Fucking finally.

"I'm sorry to say, I didn't find anything. It was most likely stress induced but I have no idea what caused the bleeding."

Great, so I had to endure this torture for nothing. I slid off the table and got behind the curtain, Erica talked while I got dressed. 

"Elliot, I want you to come and see me every two weeks from now on. I want to monitor you closely, I'd almost consider you high risk at this point."

I finished getting dressed.

"Is that it?"

She looked me straight in the eyes.

"Whatever it is stressing you out so much, please, make it stop. I don't know how much more this kid can take."

Having nothing more to say, I left. I walked or rather waddled towards the exit not even stopping for Darlene, I just want to leave as soon as possible. She quit looking at her phone and caught up to me.

"So? How did it go?"

"She found nothing." 

I quickened my pace.

"Seriously?" 

Silence lingered for a while. Darlene stopped me, grabbed me by the shoulders and made me look at her. She looked me in the eyes, I felt like her gaze pleaded me to tell her what's on my mind.

"I feel violated." My voice was weak.

I broke down, she hugged me and let me sob into her shoulder.


	10. Christmas

December - 30 weeks 

Nothing happened these past two weeks, that unnerves me a bit. It's like when it gets too quiet in a thriller or horror movie; you know something bad is going to happen. On Christmas day I woke up and saw a box on the floor next to my bed covered in Christmas themed wrapping paper. I never really celebrated Christmas because I was always alone during the holidays so I was kind of confused when I saw it. There was a note next to it. 

"You better start preparing for this kid.  
I'll give you a head start." ~ D.

Curious, I reached for the box and unwrapped it. When I opened it, inside was a small blue onesie with a robot on the front and a white and blue pacifier. For a moment I thought I was dreaming, I grabbed the pacifier, lifting it up slowly, there was a small plastic chain attached to it, the other end connected to the onesie. My emotions took over me, this... this, rush and then a warmth in my chest, I've never felt like this before. I felt a single tear stream down my face. 

"You like it?" 

Darlene's voice broke the impeccable morning silence. She was standing by the kitchen counter a steaming cup of coffee in her hands. She must've been standing there the whole time but I was so enthralled with this gift I hadn't noticed her. I looked at her, a small smile on my face and then back at the small piece of clothing in my lap. I began laughing gleefully, I was giddy. What's wrong with me? I haven't felt so happy in so long. Darlene made her way over and sat next to me, Flipper was right behind her. And then I realized, I don't have a gift for her, aside from the fact that I don't leave the apartment anymore, I didn't think about it at all. My face turned from happy to sad in an instant. 

"Hey, what happened? I thought you liked it."

"I do. But, I just realized I don't have a gift for you."

"Yes, you do."

I looked at her trying to read her face, she was happy as ever but for the life of me, I had no clue what she meant.

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say that my gift is a little late."

She laid one of her hands on my stomach.

"It's the best gift I've ever had and I can't wait for it to come ."

She looked me in the eyes with such sincerity.

I looked from her eyes to my stomach.

"Thanks." 

That was the best Christmas day of my life and I feel like it's the first of many. A few days later I had an appointment, everything's good with the kid, Erica didn't do an ultrasound this time but apparently, he flipped. That would explain why I feel like I've been getting kicked in the ribs these past few days. The minimized movement in my pelvis is nice, it lessened the pain a bit. I went back to reading 'What to expect when you're expecting.' Says the kid weighs about three pounds right now, feels more like ten with all the strain on my back. My skin feels really tight, which hurts too, I wish this were over already. One day I walked out of the bathroom shirtless after my shower and Darlene was looking at me like I had annoyed her or something.

"What?" 

I couldn't think of whatever I could have done wrong.

"Nothing..."

She was sitting on the couch staring into her phone.

"I can tell it's not, nothing."

She looked at me, sighed and decided to speak.

"You don't have stretch marks! That's not fair. I've never had I kid and I'm littered with them and you're here, seven months along looking all fine and dandy." 

She crossed her arms and went back to looking at her phone. I blinked a few times, thinking over what I just heard. 

"If that makes it any better, I'm not having this kid tomorrow." 

I spoke unsure of my words. She looked at my absolutely confused face and burst out laughing. 

"Alright, I realize how stupid that is and I'll get over it but I couldn't help but notice. You lucky bastard."

***

I was sitting at my desk, alone in the apartment, working. Darlene went to get the groceries and some baby things. Flipper laid in her dog bed playing with her purple eggplant toy. She loves that thing. It was silent in the apartment aside for the squeaks of Flipper's toy every few seconds, when there was a knock at the door. I sat still thinking whoever it is will go away but then they knocked again. I got up from my chair waddled over to the door and opened it. The world stopped for a moment when I saw Angela standing in my doorway for the first time in a month but I didn't say anything, I left the door open for her to walk in. I stopped fighting this a while ago, stress is no good for me or the kid so what happens, happens she knows now anyway. Angela walked in, closed the door and stood there doing nothing, saying nothing.

"Well?"

"I didn't expect you'd let me in so, I kind of don't know what to say now."

She chuckled nervously and removed her jacket.

I sat on a chair by the table. I have nothing to say to her so she's driving this conversation. She sat opposite me.

"How are you feeling?"

She's testing the waters, unsure of how I'll react to her presence.

"Good." 

She nodded her head. 

"And... how's the baby?"

I won't lie, I didn't expect her to ask that. 

"He's good too, he's healthy." 

"Oh, it's a boy?" 

I feel like this is one of the strangest conversations I've ever had.

"Uh, yeah."

"Listen, Elliot, I'm sorry for the way I was acting, I thought something bad was happening to you. When you stopped coming to work I thought you had quit I was mad at you, and then when this whole 'rare condition' thing came up I thought you were lying but then I thought back to all the weeks you were sick, at that point I thought maybe you had some sort of cancer and you didn't want help from anyone. I, I..." 

She was speaking faster and faster tripping over her words. 

"I thought you got sick like your dad, I didn't want to lose you, Elliot."

Darlene was right, she was acting like that because she cares.

"Angela." 

She stopped talking and looked at me.

"It's over, I'm here, I'm not going to die or anything."

How ironic I'm bringing a new life into this world instead of taking one away.

"I've missed you so much."

She hugged me and I hugged her back, it's nice to have a normal conversation with her again, the kid is happy too, he's kicking up a storm. She then quickly moved back. She looked at me in awe. 

"Was that..?"

She must've felt him when she hugged me. 

"Yeah, he's really active lately."

She let out a nervous breath, completely astonished.

"Can I- touch?" 

I nodded.

She laid her hand on my stomach, her eyes were glistening. When he finally kicked her brows lifted and her mouth opened, utterly shocked. 

"Oh my god, I can't believe this is actually real."

"Imagine what I felt when I found out."

She took her hand away.

"This amazing, Elliot. What are you gonna name him?"

"I-uh I haven't thought of that yet."

I looked at the ground ashamed. I gotta admit I had not thought of names at all, I always thought I still have time but that may not be the case anymore. 

"That's okay, I'm sure you'll come up with something. You know, some people don't even think of names and they wait until they get to see their baby to name them. How far along are you anyway?"

"Seven and a half months."

"Only two months left, wow. I wish you had told me sooner."

"Trust me I couldn't, I didn't know myself until I was around three months along."

I had my own demons to battle but I won't tell her that.

"Wait, you didn't tell Gideon did you?"

I panicked. Fuck what if she did tell him I hadn't thought of that.

"No, no Elliot, relax I didn't."

Thank god.

"Yesterday he asked me if I ever went to see you since you started working from home. I told him that I spoke with you but nothing else."

"Good, I don't know what I would have done if you'd have told him."

"You will have to at some point, Elliot you can't raise a kid on this salary. You'll have to ask him for a raise of something and you don't have to tell Gideon you had him, I'm sure he'll buy anything you tell him, he likes you so much." 

She's right, me and the kid in this apartment. It's not like I don't make ends meet but having a kid is expensive and this tiny apartment is no good for a kid. Suddenly a loud squeak startled us both, Flipper was still playing with her toys.

"That reminds me." 

Angela started rummaging around in her purse. She pulled out a small three-inch grey bear with a blue nose and a few patches wearing a blue hoodie. The words 'Me To You' were written on it's left lower paw. 

"I saw it on the shelf at the store, it made me think of you and given it was Christmas a couple days ago I thought I'd give it to you. Or you can give it to the baby when he's born." 

A small smile crept up my cheeks. 

"It's cute."

We sat there in silence for a moment, it was nice, it was the kind of silence that doesn't pressure you to talk, it lets you enjoy the moment, it's comfortable.

"Elliot?"

"Hmm?"

"How is this even possible? And I'm not talking about the birds and the bees here. How are YOU able to carry a child? Unless I missed something in biology class, we shouldn't even be having this conversation right now."

She spoke slowly, her words well thought out, she looked at me with this sincere look in her eyes. I knew this question would come up at some point. 

"Why do you need to know?"

I looked at the ground; I don't want to talk about it. She looked at me, her eyes begging me to be honest with her. I guess since it's happening I should explain how. I sighed fatigued.

"I'm-uh I'm a hermaphrodite, I have a uterus. My whole life I thought it wasn't fully formed or something but turns out, it is."

I still hadn't looked at her, I hate talking about this, it's always so awkward.

"Why did you never tell me about this? We've known each other for so long and you never told me."

"Don't feel special, I never told anyone. The only ones that knew are my parents and Darlene. In fact if not for Darlene I would have never figured it out."

"She figured it out?" 

"Yeah, call me stupid but it never crossed my mind that I could be pregnant."

Angela didn't know what to say, she sat there speechless. 

...

During our silence the door opened, Darlene walked in, groceries in hand. 

"Oh, it's you." 

Her voice was flat; apparently, she didn't like the idea of Angela being here. 

"I'll be going then-"

Angela stood up and put her jacket back on.

"Angela you don't have to go." 

"No, it's okay. I'll see you later. Bye."

She lifted her hand as a small wave and left. 

I looked as Darlene unpacked the bags.

"Why are you angry with her? We made up, there's no reason for hostility."

She stopped pulling things out of the bags and held onto the counter her head hanging low. She spun around and looked at me.

"I know but, she's caused you so much pain and you can just, let it go like that? I couldn't stand seeing you so devastated and it was all because of her, I can't let go that easily." 

"It won't happen again so you should go easy on her."

Darlene thought her actions over.

"Alright."

We stood there in silence, Darlene sorting the things she bought at the store, Flipper lying in her dog bed. I propped myself against the kitchen counter, observing this oddly satisfying moment of peace. Darlene glanced my way.

"You spilled something on your shirt."

She grabbed a towel, made it wet and was about to rub the stain when she stopped. She looked at my chest a little bit longer and then burst out laughing. Confused I looked down at my shirt to see two stains on my chest. 

"What? What are you laughing about?

I don't understand. What's so funny?

She caught her breath and finally spoke.

"On second thought maybe you didn't spill but leaked." 

What is she talking about? I took my t-shirt off. Why is it wet anyway? I don't remember spilling anything. I threw the shirt into the wash and noticed my chest is sticky, I touched it and some strange liquid came out of my nipple. 

"What the fuck?"

Darlene began laughing again. 

"Stop laughing will ya? This isn't funny."

"Did you read the book?"

"Yeah? What does that have to do with anything." 

"What did it say happens with the breasts?"

"I don't know I skipped that part. I don't have breasts."

"Then maybe you should read it, I think you're leaking pre-milk."

"How's that even possible?"

"Dude, you're carrying a baby right now? How is that even possible?"

Right, I shouldn't even be questioning this, the answer is obvious. I took the wet towel from Darlene and cleaned my chest, deciding not to wear another shirt for the time being.

"You know what this means right?"

"What?"

"You can breastfeed the kid when he's born."

She was talking about this like everything was absolutely normal. What is happening to my body? What the fuck is happening To Me?

"I'm not gonna do that."

"Why not?"

"Guys don't breastfeed." 

My mouth feels strange just saying that.

"Elliot, you're not like other guys."

"That's not, the point."

...

"Fuck! Let me keep some sanity, I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body. I don't want this anymore."

Darlene walked up to me, caressed my forearm and looked at me with compassionate eyes. Shit, did I say that out loud? That was meant for you.

"I didn't know you felt that way." 

I looked at the floor disheartened.

***

"Darlene you don't have to stay here."

"I told you. I don't have any plans for tonight anyway."

Everyone has plans for new years. 

"You're just saying that because you feel like you have to stay with me." 

"Did you ever stop to think, maybe I want to stay with you."

"What's the point? I can't even drink."

"We don't need to drink to have a good time. Elliot, do you realize we've never spend new years eve together in the last ten years."

Everyone has plans for new years. Besides me. When we were teenagers Darlene and Angela would drag me to their friends' parties but as I got older, my social anxiety worsened and I never had a connection with any of my co-workers that would make me give a shit about the parties they threw. I never got ahold of Darlene on new years because she was always out there parting with her friends. 

"I don't want you to feel like you can't go out because of me. I'll be fine."

"It's okay, I want to stay here. To be honest, I'm getting tired of partying all night, waking up shitfaced and feeling like crap the whole next day. I think I'd like to remember this new year. What do you say we just stay in and watch 'Careful Massacre' since we didn't do it on Halloween?"

I feel like this pregnancy didn't only change me, but it also changed Darlene. There were certain moments these past few months where's she's acted differently than I would have expected. She's more mature in a way. Hell, she might be acting more rationally than I am right now. I better get used to this, a lot of things are going to change soon. I side hugged her and she hugged back resting one of her hands on my stomach.

"I'd like that."


	11. Oasis

January - 32 weeks

I had an appointment earlier today, I hate going to them... I mean getting to see the kid is great and knowing that everything is alright, reassures me but the car rides over to the hospital are the worst. At this point getting into the car is really difficult and the drivers always look at me with such suspicious looks, there's no way in hell they don't know what's going on. With how big I am there's no guesswork, they're more likely trying to figure out how is it possible and if they're not tripping. Makes me feel self-conscious I always keep my head down when we're outside. It's not that I don't want people looking at me, I, don't want to look at them because then you can see their judging stares. I had to tell Erica about my... chest, although that episode hasn't repeated yet. Fuck... I'm in so much pain, I am so done with this.  
I was sitting on my mattress after a nap sitting up against the wall, my head resting back. I stretched to take a deep breath in, I soon as I relaxed I felt a sharp pain in my ribs. It felt like something is pushing against them or like they were about to break. I hissed, the pain, sudden and intense. 

"You alright?"

Darlene quizzed from her position on the couch, laptop on her lap. I grimaced at the pain not being able to make it better. 

"Uh, I feel like his foot is stuck in my ribs." 

And it was like that all day, I couldn't figure out how to make it better, nowhere online did it say anything about it aside from that, it'll stop when the baby changes positions. I felt miserable, every time I'd make a wrong move it hurt like hell, or worse. Until Darlene came back late from one of her escapades, probably met up with Cisco or something. She waltzed through the door music blasting from her phone. She must be really happy because I've never seen her do anything like that before. I was sitting at my desk working, sitting at an odd angle so as to not be in pain. 

"You still not okay?"

The music was still playing on her phone.

"Nah."

She stood there staring at me as I worked, not saying a thing. 

"Elliot, come dance with me."

"What? No."

What is she talking about? That's the last thing I want to be doing right now.

"Come on, you're no fun."

"Are you drunk?"

She turned up the volume on her phone.

"No, I'm just happy. Now come on."

She grabbed me by the hand and swiftly pulled me off my chair. I stood in place really not wanting to dance. I don't dance. Especially right now, given the intense pain in my ribs. She was holding my hands, moving them back and forth to get me moving.

"Darlene, stop it I don't want to." I whined.

Then the song changed to a slower ballad-like tempo, Darlene laid her hands on my hips and began rocking me sideways, our bodies swaying lightly like two trees in the wind. 

"Darlene, stop. Please." 

She kept holding onto me so I wouldn't get away.

"Just a minute." 

I gave up and just let my body move with Darlene's, left to right, right to left, sometimes taking a step to the side and then I felt a shift, the baby moved inside me and the pain in my ribs was gone. 

"He moved."

I breathed a sigh of relief and decided I'd dance with Darlene some more. She embraced me still swaying to the music, closed her eyes and laid her head on my chest.

"You make a good woman."

She smiled, her voice getting drowsy.

"Yeah, you're definitely drunk."

"Just a little tipsy." 

She mumbled into my shirt.

*Next morning* 

I managed to get out of bed and make some breakfast, not that I can cook but anyone can make eggs I think. Darlene woke up with a groan, probably hungover, her hair all messy. I brought her a glass of water.

"Thanks." 

She chugged it down in seconds.

"What's that smell?" 

She sat up and fixed her hair.

"I made eggs."

"You? Made eggs?"

She definitely didn't see that coming. She stood up and sat at the kitchen table.

"I told you I can manage. you don't have to do everything."

I hate being taken care of, letting everyone do things for me, like a parasite, living off of others.

"And I told you, you have to make sure this kid gets here fine, I can take care of you."

"Well not while you're hungover."

I stood across from her, resting against the counter, one hand gripping it the other lying on my stomach. Her head hung low, hand over her eyes, she chuckled. 

"Yeah sorry for yesterday. Cisco was pissed I didn't spend new years with him so he got me drunk."

"Figured as much. Thanks to you the kid's not in my ribs anymore though."

She looked at me through half-lidded eyes.

"I remember I made you dance, anything after that is kind of hazy though."

At least she remembers something, I thought she wouldn't remember anything, so she's wasn't that drunk in the end.

"You said I make a good woman." 

I lightly smiled at the memory, I guess it is kinda funny.

"AHH-hahaha." Her laugh was full of glee.

"Well, you kind of do. Did you stand in front of a full-length mirror lately?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're pregnant, it's normal, your body has changed in many ways since this started. They're called childbearing hips for a reason."

"Are you sure you're still not drunk?"

I sat on a chair across from her.

"Hey, I may be hung over but that doesn't change the fact that your hips got wider. Even drunk me noticed that."

That's about the last thing I needed to hear right about now.

"Shut up and eat."

***

It's late at night, I should be sleeping but I can already tell that I'm not gonna be able to. The kids' kicks are getting painful, and he always acts up at night, it's really uncomfortable. And the pain in my pelvis is back, fucking great, a pain combo. At my last appointment, Erica suggested I check out some childbirth classes so I looked online and found some. It's a really strange format, one video at a time, describing something relating to labor and there are dozens of them. This is the first time I've thought about what may actually happen when the time comes. I can't draw out any conclusions out of these videos because every woman in there has a different opinion on what it was like. Some say it wasn't that bad while others say it was the worst pain in their life. In one video they state to take labor one contraction at a time. 'Hah', one contraction at a time, my ass. It's probably so painful you don't even think about that. I'm probably still not grasping the vastness of my situation. I'm gonna have to take care of a human baby, I suck at that, there's no way I'd be a good father.

"Would you quit yapping already? It hasn't happened yet so you don't know. No-one ever knows if they'll be a good parent."

Mr. Robot sat down at my desk. 

"Yeah well, typically parents-to-be aren't fucked up, whereas I am."

"And what makes you say that?"

"Look at me, I suffer from several mental issues, my life is shit and I struggle with basic human interaction and can't even maintain a normal relationship. Oh, and there's you."

"Who said others aren't fucked up? Do you go about telling people about your problems? NO, you hide them! And they do too. There are so many pathologies in this world, no-one said you're unique. Elliot, just because you have issues doesn't mean you'll be a bad parent. Look at Darlene, you took care of her just fine when I was gone."

But this isn't quite the same now, is it? Darlene was already old enough to understand some things I just looked out for her. With this kid, I'm gonna be shaping a whole new mind. 

"Want proof I already suck as a parent? I haven't even found a name for him, I keep calling him, kid. I can't keep doing that."

"You'll find a name when the time comes. There's no rush."

Yet somehow I feel like there is. I'm getting a headache just thinking about all this. 

"You'll do just fine, trust me." 

"I feel like they all have expectations concerning me that I won't be able to meet." 

Mr. Robot stood up and crouched next to me.

"Even if they do, you have no obligations towards them Elliot. You'll do your best and that's all that matters."

His words swirled around in my brain, I looked down at my stomach feeling the kid move. I really need to stop calling him that. When I looked back Mr. Robot was gone. 

"I'll do my best..." 

Despite it being almost two in the morning, Darlene stirred awake. 

"Why aren't you sleeping."

She asked me, her voice groggy from sleep, her hair all messy.

"I can't." 

"And why is that?"

"He keeps kicking, won't let me sleep and my hips hurt. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I thought I heard someone talking. Were you watching something?"

She must've heard me talking with Mr. Robot.

"No."

Both of us sat in the cold silence of the night not saying a thing, staring at each other. Then Darlene let a question hang in the air.

"Do you wanna go swimming?"

What? Did I hear that right?

"What? All the pools are closed what are you talking about? And besides, I wouldn't, I don't want more people staring at me."

"And what if I told you I know one that's open and no-one's there."

"Yeah sure." 

Like I'd believe that. 

She got out of bed and shuffled over to me, pulled me up, off the mattress and began looking through her bag. I didn't even want to stand my hips hurt so bad. 

"What are you doing?" I hissed at her, while she combed through her belongings. 

She finally found what she was looking for and disappeared into the bathroom, she came out with two towels in each hand.

"What's it look like I'm doing? We're going to the pool. It'll do you good. Get dressed."

I looked at her absolutely bewildered. 

"Come on, get dressed, faster!"

We both got dressed and she grabbed me by the hand pulling me towards the door. 

"But I don't even have a swimsuit."

"That's fine, you'll swim in your underwear."

Still holding onto my hand she dragged me out into the streets of New York City covered in a blanket of darkness speckled with dots of light. 

"Sorry Elliot, but we're gonna have to use the subway this time."

"Where are we going?"

"To the pool, I told you."

"But where is it?"

"You'll see."

We went underground and waited for the right train car to come, thankfully given it was the middle of the night there weren't many people and I could sit down. Once we got to the right station we got off and walked a few hundred yards until we stopped in front of a modern looking house.

"What's this?"

"The pool. Let's go."

She walked straight in the direction of the front door.

"What are you doing?! This is someone's house!"

I scolded her trying to be inconspicuous. 

"Relax. They're not home."

I walked over to her.

"It's a smart house, completely computer operated. The owner's on vacation." 

She entered the right combination of numbers and the door opened.

"It's all ours."

We walked in, closed the door behind us and made our way to were the pool apparently is. The pool was on the basement level, all the walls were bare concrete, the water clear as can be. I looked up and saw a security camera in the corner of the room.

"Shit."

"Don't worry about the cameras I took care of it." 

I glanced Darlene's way, she was already wearing her swimsuit under her clothes.

"You sure?"

She looked at me with an annoyed gaze.

"Positive. Now get in."

In no time her top and pants were already off and she jumped in the pool while I stood off to the side still fully clothed. 

"Come on, get in. We didn't come here for me."

Frankly, I was a bit wary, I feel uneasy, even if it's just Darlene with me, I've never stripped to my underwear in front her. She might laugh, wouldn't be the first time she's done it. 

"Elliot, I'm waiting."

"Just promise me you won't laugh."

"Why would I laugh?"

"Just do it."

Reluctantly she obliged.

"Fine, I promise I won't laugh. Even though I don't see what I would laugh about."

I let Darlene untie my shoes from the edge of the pool, I kicked them off and began removing my clothes. Once I was done I slowly made my way down the three-stepped ladder and entered the pool. I pushed myself further into the water and let my body drift, I felt weightless. All the pain that had been strangulating my muscles for months seemed to have been lifted with a snap of a finger, this is amazing. I closed my eyes and relaxed, a small smile of relief crept up on my face.

"See, I told you, you'd like it."

I could clearly hear the smugness in her voice. I hummed in approval, relishing in the solace the water brought me, one hand resting on my stomach the other slowly moving to keep me afloat. I floated about for a few more minutes and then swam a bit with Darlene. If she wouldn't have brought it up, I would have never thought of coming here. We were now relaxing in the more shallow end, enjoying the comfortable silence. 

"...Can we come here more often?" 

I was so relaxed that my voice became drowsy as if I had smoked a blunt. Darlene laughed at me.

"Yeah sure, if Erica won't have anything against it, we'll come here again."

Then it was silent again for a while. 

"Elliot..?"

"Hmm."

"Why did you make me promise I won't laugh at you?"

I looked down at my stomach through the surface of the water, it looked twice as big because it was submerged in the clear liquid. Kind of like when you stick your finger in a glass of water. I looked further down at the blue ground.

"It's not like you haven't done it before. And I was fully clothed then."

"Hey..."

She swam in front of me and held one of my hands. 

"I wasn't laughing at you. Well, not exactly. I was laughing at the situation, it's not like some of the things that happened usually happen to you, you know. So, to see you put in that place was amusing. ...And your face at times is just so priceless." 

She smirked at her last sentence. I stayed quiet, let's see how she would do in my shoes. She rubbed the back of my hand with her thumb.

"I'm sorry."

I looked up at her hand holding mine, I turned my hand over and held her fingers all the while rubbing her knuckles with my thumb. What am I doing? This kid is making me act strange again but, for some reason, I feel like I need this interaction. 

"If I happen to laugh at you again, just remember, I'm not laughing at you and especially not at your body." 

She put the same hand I was holding on my stomach as if to emphasize her point.

"...I'm just laughing at the situations because I find them... entertaining, let's say. You're growing a little miracle in there, I wouldn't dare make fun of that."

Right at that moment, the kid kicked exactly where her hand lied on my skin. Darlene looked down at my stomach and laughed softly under her breath.

"I still can't believe this is happening to you."

"Put yourself in my shoes. How do you think I feel about this?"

"Must be hard, I can't even imagine. Remember when you found out?"

"It's not easy to forget something like that."

It really isn't. She looked away and then back at me, I feel like she wants to ask me something.

"You really didn't want him then... Do you want him now?"

"It's not like I have another choice."

"No Elliot, seriously. How do you feel about him."

I won't lie that I did want to get rid of him when I found out. When I looked at the three positive pregnancy tests I thought everything was over for some reason. Now, this couldn't be farther from the truth. My life is gonna change one-hundred-and-eighty degrees in just a few weeks and I don't know how to feel about it. But one thing I do know.

"Yeah... I do want him."

We hung out at the pool for almost two hours so we decided to get back, given it was past five in the morning there were a lot more people on the subway car but I still managed to find a place to sit. Of course, everyone in a 6 feet radius is giving me strange looks. I tried to ball up as much as I could but it doesn't do much anymore, my stomach is too prominent. Darlene noticed and side hugged me. 

"Don't pay attention to them. They're don't know what's happening."

As if that's supposed to make it any better, doesn't change the fact they're still staring. We finally got back to the apartment, Darlene took Flipper out to walk her and I stayed inside. At that moment I realized how empty my apartment is and how drastically that will change soon, it's still hard to fathom. After Darlene came back from walking the dog, I removed my pants and she helped me lay back down on the mattress, We should definitely go back to that pool, somehow it made the kid quieter and my body feels a lot more relaxed, not long after I was finally able to fall asleep for a few hours.


	12. A Plan?

January - 34 weeks

Got an email from Gideon a few days ago, he's asking me how I'm doing and if I know when I would be back. He's getting impatient, I told him this would take some time and he's already asking when I'll be back. Nevertheless, I wrote back, told him I'm alright and that it'll still be a few months. I was sitting at my desk, working as usual. Trust me, working with a five-pound mass continuously growing inside your abdomen is not fun. I was shirtless with the support band wrapped around my stomach, my hips are acting up again. Darlene was in the shower when there was a knock at the door, I went to open it. Flipper quickly came to see who it was.

"Angela? What are you doing here?"

"I texted you I'd come to hang out. Did you not get my text?" 

"Oh yeah, right, sorry. I forgot."

Our relations have come back to normal ever since we made up, she's a good sport about the whole thing now. I let her come in, she put her stuff down on a chair and stared at me, her gaze slowly made its way down to my midsection, she couldn't peel her eyes off which made me realize, I was still shirtless. 

"One second, I'll dress."

I looked around to find my previously discarded shirt. All the while Angela was walking closer and closer to me.

"You don't have to if you're more comfortable like this."

She was now very close to me, like three inches away from me. She looked into my eyes with this uncertain look, this might sound strange but I think I know what she wants. I looked into her eyes answering her question. She looked down at my stomach and lifted her hand up to touch it, her fingers inched closer until the very tips touched my bare skin giving me goosebumps, she quickly pulled her hand away as if she burned herself on red-hot iron. She tried again, this time her fingers actually stayed on my skin and then, she pressed her whole palm down.

"Wow..."

Her eyes glanced into mine then looked back down.

"It's different from when you have your shirt on, it's, so warm." 

Her hand glided down the side of my stomach, my skin stretching various different ways as the kid stretched, then the outline of a little upside down foot pressed from under my skin. Angela got very excited.

"Did you see that?!" 

Suddenly Darlene walked out of the bathroom dressed in loose clothes and a towel around her head. She looked at Angela with an apprehensive look but said nothing, Angela quickly pulled her hand away and took a step back like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Don't go anywhere, I'll be out in a minute."

And just like she said she got dressed and not long after she went out leaving Angela and me alone. I did put my shirt back on otherwise Angela wouldn't stop staring at me; she vigorously sat down on my couch.

"So, I thought we could maybe make you a birth plan. What do you think?"

"I don't even know what that is."

"It's a list of things you would like to happen when you go into labor. You give it to your caregiver at one of your appointments."

Her demeanor was so nonchalant. What the hell?! When did she come up with that?

"Hold your horses. I'm not due until next month."

I sat down opposite her on one of the kitchen chairs.

"What? Are you scared?"

Shit, she's onto me, she always saw right through me, like through clear glass.

"No, I just don't see why the rush."

"You should make one of these now, just in case the baby comes early."

He won't. He can't. 

"This kid's due date is March 15th and, I stand by that."

She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, her hands clasped together.

"It's okay to be scared you know."

"I told you I'm not." 

My voice rose a bit; irritated.

"Yeah sure, that's why you won't even take into consideration the fact that he may come sooner than you were told. A lot of due dates are miscalculated just so you know."

I looked at the ground my mind processing her words. He can't come now, I'm not ready for him yet, although that raises the question; Will I ever be ready? I rubbed my stomach with one hand. 'Stay in there as long as possible kiddo.'

"It's correct, I checked it myself."

"Fine, whatever you say, it still doesn't hurt to be prepared ahead of time."

She stood up, fetched my laptop, then walked over to her bag and pulled a little note out of it and sat on the chair next to me. She opened up my laptop and created a word document. Are we seriously doing this? 

"I have some notes here so, the first question even though I guess it's obvious. Who do you want to be there with you in the room?"

"Darlene."

She typed my answer on the computer.

"Do you want to be able to walk around the room and the hallway?"

"What? Do they tie you down otherwise?"

"No, it's to know what kind of monitoring they should use. If you want to walk far then they would use wireless monitoring."

"Whatever, I won't be walking around the hallways the room is just fine."

Again, she typed my answer down. Is it me or Angela seems to know quite a bit about this.

"How come you know all this?"

"I did a bit of research after you told me, I want to be able to help you whatever happens."

Sounds more like she did A LOT of research and why is everyone doing research about this all of a sudden, first Darlene and now Angela.

"Do you want your waters artificially broken?"

Shivers run down my back and I felt a strange sensation between my legs. What even is this question? Angela was just about the calmest I've ever seen her be. How is she so calm about this?

"Doesn't that happen on its own?"

"Not always. You could have contractions but the amniotic sac could still be intact."

"Uh yeah, no, not unless they really have to."

And just like that, she typed away. Why is she so okay with this, why is she not freaking out right now? She's acting like all of this is completely normal.

"Do you want any props or will you bring your own?"

"Props?"

"Yeah, you know like an exercise ball and what not."

"Sure, whatever. Angela, how are you this okay with what's happening? You do realize I'm a man and I'm having a kid, right?"

She looked at me with absolutely no change in her expression, like what I asked was irrelevant or she completely hadn't heard my question.

"I don't see it as any different Elliot, just because it's unusual doesn't mean I have to feel weird about it. Do you want access to a bathtub?"

I for sure didn't expect that answer.

"Sure." 

"Do you want to hold him right after he's born?

I haven't even thought about anything past this next month, I don't know what to think, does that even matter? I can't say 'no' she'll ask me why. I looked down at the ground.

"Yeah."

"Will you breastfeed? Can you even do that?"

"No, to both."

This kid is not going anywhere near my chest, that's for sure.

"Alright, that's all I got for now but, we can always add something later."

She closed my laptop and put the little note back in her purse, we sat there not really knowing what to do. I flinched as a cramp showed up out of nowhere, they're getting pretty strong now.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just a cramp."

Neither one of us really knew what to talk about.

... 

"Angela..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you wanna come to one of my appointments?"

There was this twinkle in her eyes when I asked and a smile stretched across her face.

"Sure, I'd love too."


	13. I Want To Be Myself Again

February - 36 weeks

Darlene and I have been going to the pool every few days now, it's really relaxing. We go there at night since the city is pretty quiet then, and come back in the early morning. When we're in the subway I try to hide my stomach a bit by holding a blanket over it, it has deterred some people away but it doesn't always do the trick. Some of them look at me even more intensely because they're not sure if they're seeing something or not. Angela came to my appointment this week and Darlene wasn't too happy about it, won't lie I'm a bit embarrassed by the things that were brought up while she was there. The kid is still upside down which is good, it would have made me really nervous if he weren't. I can't stop thinking he will flip back at the last moment even though it's probably just an irrational thought, I guess I'm just being antsy. Just like at every appointment, Erica felt around my stomach which I learned is called palpating. She said he dropped lower into my pelvis, which would explain why I can breath better and why I feel like my hips are being torn apart again. Fucking sucks. She wants to see me every week now, which sucks as well because it means more frequent car rides. I'm just glad this will be over soon. She also performed an ultrasound this time, haven't had one in a while since it wasn't necessary, everything's been going great, nothing of concern has happened since the mysterious bleed. The kid is about 18 inches tall and weighs almost 6 pounds, after she measured my hips she had an inquisitive look on her face, she checked my file from eight weeks ago and turns out I've gained an inch in my hips, further proving Darlene's point which she wouldn't shut up about for five minutes. But Erica's also concerned, she's not sure how my pelvis is taking all the abuse, said it could develop into something worse. I feel like this is the worst I've felt since the beginning, not even nausea was that bad or I forgot how it felt. Speaking of which, I think the nausea is back, I've been getting nauseous at certain smells again, apparently, it's caused by the same hormones from the first trimester, fucking great. I've gotten so tired lately I don't take showers anymore, instead, I have to take baths which I won't lie make my back feel better although not as good as the pool does.

***

"Elliot..." 

I heard Darlene call out my name from the couch, while I was bathing in the bathroom. 

"What?" I called back.

"You decent?" Her voice was now closer behind the door. 

Given how large my stomach has gotten, I don't really have to cover myself up, she won't see anything she's not supposed too.

"Yeah."

Slowly the door opened wider and wider, Darlene leaned herself against the doorframe and just stood there.

"What do you want?"

"Why don't you want to breastfeed?"

Oh my god, is she fucking serious right now? I looked away, I don't even want to look at her right now.

"So you came here just to annoy me or have you got another question?"

"Elliot, this is serious."

Well not really is it? She pushed herself off the doorframe and crouched beside the tub. 

"Look at me." 

I kept staring the opposite way.

"Look at me, damn it!"

Against my will, I turned my head the other way and looked into Darlene's eyes. Unlike mine, she has so much emotion in her eyes, you can tell exactly what she's feeling just by looking at them, right now she's very determined, she really wants to get to the bottom of this. She really is serious.

"You said... you feel like you're trapped in someone else's body. Do you still feel like that?"

I looked down in thought.

"Darlene, why are you bringing this up?"

"I want to know. You haven't seen your therapist in months and its gonna be a while until you do so, until then you better talk with me."

...

"Come on, Elliot! I can tell you're holding something back."

I didn't want to talk but she won't lay off me, I spoke very slowly so she would understand all I'm saying.

"...Imagine, having all you believe be turned upside down by three plastic sticks in one evening, and then watch as your body morphs into a semblance of what it used to be. Have all of these strange things happening to you, suffer immense pain and witness an unusual change in your own behavior that is out of your control."

My throat tightened and my eyes watered. I looked straight into Darlene's eyes just so she could feel my pain.

"This wasn't supposed to happen to me..." 

My head slowly shook as I spoke, I looked away again.

"And now... I have to act like it was supposed to be that way all along? And take care of this... human that barged into my life. I said I didn't want to breastfeed him because I thought that would help me keep something from before all of this but... it won't."  
I didn't say anything more, I was on the verge of breaking down again. Darlene listened to me talking intently, taking all of my words in. This is too much, I broke down in the end. Darlene tried to console me.

"You're exactly as you were supposed to be Elliot, trust me, you didn't change and even if you did, keep in mind it's for the better. You'll be back to normal once he's born."

I closed my eyes, a single tear streamed down my cheek, the kid squirming around in the confines of my body reminding me of his everlasting presence. I slowly breathed in and out trying not to sob.

"You should finish bathing the water is getting cold."

Darlene chose to change the subject which I am grateful for. She took ahold of the sponge I was holding on for dear life during our conversation and disturbed the water around me with slow circular moves.

"Want me to wash your back?"

I nodded my head in agreement.


	14. Impatient

Late February - 38 weeks 

I couldn't possibly feel worse at the moment, not only are my hips constantly in pain but now there's this pressure that's making everything ten times worse. To add to the absolute awfulness of my condition Erica had the brilliant idea of performing another physical exam. Great... I hate being in this position, I can't imagine that women would like it, that's impossible.

"Well someone's in a hurry."

Erica's words brought me out of my thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

"The baby is lower than I would expect at this point, especially since this is your first pregnancy, it also explains why you're in so much pain."

A spark of concerned set off in my head.

"Is that good or bad?"

"Your one centimeter dilated, your cervix is soft..."

She kept mumbling something to herself before answering my question.

"It's neither really, but for you... Since you already have PGP you could suffer a pelvic fracture while your giving birth. If anything points to it during labor I will schedule a c-section. Furthermore, your placenta could tear again, I'm not taking any chances."

"I don't want a c-section." 

My heartbeat rose at the idea.

"I didn't say you will, it's just a plan B. Mucus plug is in chunks..."

She went back to mumbling thing to herself, I feel like this examination is lasting longer than it should.

"Did you have any sort of discharge?"

God back with the embarrassing questions.

"Yeah..."

"You're losing your mucus plug, this baby is ready to make his grand debut, he could come any day now, it's just a matter of when."

***

I can't keep Erica's words out of my head, 'he can come any day now, it's just a matter of when.' It's driving me crazy, I don't want him to come yet, I'm not ready. Darlene already packed my hospital bag too, it's like everyone is ready for him to come just not me. I haven't slept in days I'm so anxious. He doesn't move much anymore, I spend my time with my palms spread out on my stomach trying to feel him, he's scaring me... Every cramp I get tricks me into thinking it might be it.

"Elliot stop thinking, you're driving me crazy."

Mr. Robot showed up next to me.

"What?"

"Your thoughts are really loud, tone it down a bit."

...

"Why are you so anxious anyway huh?"

He was about to pull out a cigarette but then looked at me and put the pack back in his pocket.

"I'm not ready."

He scoffed.

"Do you really think some people are actually ready to have a kid? No, and everyone who says so is a blatant liar. They like to think they've got everything under control but it's all a facade, when you have a kid some things you just can't predict. Neither can you be sure that you're ready too actually be a parent."

What is he going on about right now? It's completely the opposite that I'm worried about.

"That's not what-"

"You didn't let me finish, You - are on the other end of the spectrum. You're the person that's persuaded that they can't do the job. Since when is that you, kiddo? Just like you can't be sure you'll be a good parent neither can you be sure that you won't."

He moved to crouch next to me and put one of his hands on my shoulder.

"I know you, kiddo. I know you'll do just fine Elliot. You have nothing to worry about we've been through this already, I told you; You'll do your best and that's all that matters."

I looked to the ground mulling his words over, I will say that they do ease my mind a bit, it'd make sense that everyone is just faking it, some are just better at it than others. Flipper happily padded over to me jumped up on my mattress and nuzzled up to my stomach, I guess I don't have to worry If she'll like the kid. 

"Just because you're not ready doesn't mean you won't do good. The empathy with which you grant that stupid dog shows you can give a shit about another being, as much as you may not feel much for this kid now, you will once you've held him in your arms."

Just as I looked Mr. Robots way, he was gone.

***

I was on my mattress on my knees and elbows, my backside up in the air and my head upside down curled close to my chest, never really thought I'd wind up in this position but it's the only one that takes some of the pain away. I feel like shit right now, I'm nauseous, in pain and the pressure in my pelvis is getting unbearable, reminds me of what Erica said, he's lower than expected.

"Why are you so eager to come out?!"

My voice was muffled by the bed sheets. Flipper just sits next to me wondering what the hell I'm doing, she spent a lot of time close to me these past few days. Can she tell he'll be here soon too? I've still got over a week to go and even the dog thinks that's not happening. God, I still have to endure this pain for almost two weeks?! This kid better be worth it. 

"Elliot, what exactly are you doing?" 

I heard Darlene's humor-laced voice hovering over me, she wasn't in the apartment a second ago, fuck I probably didn't hear her come in, shit. As quickly as was possible in my state I sat back up, my face flushed red with embarrassment. She looked at me waiting for an answer.

"...It's the only position I found that lifts the pain..."

My voice was full of shame, Darlene giggled at my awkwardness. 

"What about the support band?"

"It doesn't work anymore, it still hurts even if I put it on."

She threw her backpack to the floor and walked behind me, she sat down on the mattress.

"I wanna try something okay?" 

She began lifting the back of my shirt so I took it off.

"What are you doing?"

"You'll see."

She reached for a bottle of lotion that was lying on my dresser. After a few seconds, she began rubbing my back. I jumped at first not expecting the cold touch but the more she did it the more I leaned into it. She rubbed my lower back relieving the pain, loosening the knots in my tired muscles, I hummed at the pleasurable activity.

"Hey, don't get too into it, you're making it weird."

"Sorry, it's just, feels really good."

I leaned forward a bit, feeling my muscles relax even more.

"Just so you know this is a one-time thing so don't get used to it, I'm only doing it because you're miserable."

"You don't even know how nice this feels."

Flipper propped her chin on my knee and whined. 

"Is it me or is she stuck to you like glue lately?" 

"Yeah... Oh no, don't stop." 

This time I whined. As soon as Darlene took her hands off my back the dull ache settled right back in.

"Sorry, that's all you're getting, now try and get some sleep and don't come up with any more, crazy twisted yoga positions, it's weird."


	15. Birthday

March - 39 weeks

I lost all of my mucus plug last week, which is kind of terrifying. Not only the idea but the sight of it, I don't recommend it, It was like... pinkish and it had some blood in it, disgusting. Since my body became a big ball of pain these past couple weeks I somewhat got used to it but today is particularly painful. I feel like my back is caught in this continuous cramp that has been there for hours already. It's was around two in the morning but I couldn't sleep again I was kneeling on my mattress, trying to get comfortable, maybe ease the pain a bit. Flipper didn't budge at all today she stayed by my side all day like she was on guard or something, even now she's lying next to me, won't leave my side, she wouldn't sleep in her dog bed.

"Elliot would you stop stirring? I can't sleep because of you."

Great, now I woke Darlene up.

"When you're in my place we'll see who can't stop stirring." 

I'm a little grouchy right now, the pain is getting on my nerves. She didn't retort back, just looked at me, I guess she understood I'm not too happy about this either. 

"Wanna go to the pool?" 

"Yeah." 

She asked it like it was a chore but I guess she's just tired, it'll be nice to go swimming a little, we haven't gone in a while. I've been experiencing awful Braxton Hicks contractions these past couples of hours too. They hurt more than they used to, it's strange. Darlene got her backpack ready and we went out the door in the direction of the subway. My stomach cramped while I was walking, almost had to stop walking it was so bad. In the train car, the seats were extra uncomfortable, can't wait till I get to relax in the water and maybe I'll get some sleep later. We finally entered the house, I suddenly felt a heavy wave of fatigue weigh down on my shoulders. We went down to the basement floor, Darlene stripped down to her swimsuit and then helped me undress. The kid is very active, strange he hasn't moved that much in weeks. She got in the water and waited for me to get in, I was standing close to the pool, about to step on the ladder to get in when I felt this tightness inside me and then something like a balloon popping. I didn't know what just happened so I stood there close to the edge, frozen.

"Come on Elliot. What are you waiting for?"

I froze with fear and still didn't move... What was that?

"Elliot?" Now Darlene's voice was laced with a touch of concern. 

I felt my boxer briefs slowly getting soaked. What the fuck?! Then I felt something slowly travel down the inside of my thigh, down my leg all the way to my heel. I whimpered. What's happening? Please don't tell me IT'S happening, not right now. I took two feeble steps back, I could feel my body beginning to tremble with anxiety. Noticing something is not right Darlene came out of the water and stood next to me.

"Hey, What's going on? Talk to me?"

She tried making eye contact with me, but I didn't look at her I couldn't focus on anything, my eyes darted around the room like wild animals, my breathing becoming erratic and noticeably faster.

"Why are you freaking out?"

I flinched feeling another strong cramp... oh no... they're not just cramps, please don't tell me I was having contractions this whole time. This is not good. I took a step sideways. What am I doing? I don't know what to do. In the corner of my eye, I was vaguely aware of Darlene trying to get through to me.

"Stop freaking out. What is it?"

Her voice was now more stern, she's probably fed up with my lack of response but I gotta tell her, she'll know what to do.

"My wa~, my wa~, broke." 

Why can't I get the word out? Fuck! 

"My waters broke." 

Took all the strength I could muster but I said it, my voice was shaky, quivering from the stress overdrive that engulfed me in less than five minutes. 

"Like now?!" 

I nodded, she sure didn't see that coming. 

"Shit. Alright, hold on, stop freaking out, you're okay. I'm gonna call Erica and ask her what to do."

I really lost it this time, he shouldn't be coming yet, this isn't supposed to be happening right now.

"I can't have him now, no, he can't come yet, he still has like, ten days to go, we have to stop this." 

I became frantic, completely helpless.

Darlene grabbed me by my forearms and looked straight into my eyes.

"Elliot, stop. You're gonna be alright, you're thirty-nine weeks, you know he is considered due at this point, there's no stopping it now. It's gonna be fine, trust me."

She fished her phone out of her backpack and then dialed the number, putting the call on speakerphone.

-"Hello?"

-"Yeah, Erica? It's Darlene, we've got a situation here."

-"What is it?"

-"Elliot says his waters just broke."

My brain is going haywire right now. How is Darlene keeping her cool?

-"I knew it wouldn't be long."

-"Yeah, but what do we do? He can hear you too, by the way, you're on speakerphone."

-"Elliot? Listen to me, relax, take your time, nothing is happening yet. Okay? Where are you two right now?"

-"We're at the pool." 

Darlene answered I'm too shell-shocked to speak.

-"That's fine, you can go on about swimming, it's totally fine. Are you having contractions, Elliot?"

Darlene looked at me waiting for me to talk since she didn't know the answer to that one. A few seconds of silence passed. 

"Elliot? Did you have any?" 

Darlene asked me again fearing that I didn't hear it the first time.

-"I think I did." 

My voice was still shaky, I'm scared shitless I don't know what to do.

-"Alright, how long have you been having them?"

-"About three hours I think."

Darlene looked at me with this look of 'Are you serious?!' but nonetheless she grabbed one of my hands that I didn't notice was shaking as a comforting gesture. 

-"Good, I'd like you to time them from now on, to see how far apart they are. Usually, I'd tell you to come to the hospital once they get around five minutes apart but because you're not a typical case I don't know what can happen, I'd like you to come once they're around eight to seven minutes apart, until then just keep yourself busy."

-"Great, thanks we'll do that. See ya."

Darlene hung up the phone, she looked into my eyes, this time I focused on hers trying to keep my mind sharp.

"Come on let's go back swimming."

She walked towards the small ladder, still holding me by the hand. I got in first slowly moving in the water, thinking about the last twenty-four hours. Could I have foreseen this? Is there any way to tell? I touched my stomach under the water, it's different somehow, I can feel the outline of his body, it's so weird. 

"You feeling okay? You look a little lost."

Darlene swam up to me. I nodded, I don't really feel like taking for some reason. She kept looking at me, observing me.

"It sure explains why the dog was stuck to you all day, she must've have felt that he was coming."

I'm not really into superstitious stuff but sure, whatever. I stayed silent for a while this is really wrecking my thoughts, after some time I felt another contraction which was stronger than I expected, I think Darlene noticed.

"Elliot, don't fight it, you have to ride them out."

She stood beside me and rubbed my lower back.

"I- I- can't- do this."

"Can't do what?" 

I looked at the big electronic clock on the wall, reminding myself to keep track of the time, the big red numbers showing it was 3:21 am.

"I can't have him..." I started shaking my head, my eyes looking at nothing in particular. "I've never even held a newborn before."

"Don't worry about it, we'll get to that when it happens."

Darlene's words were really soothing, she was very gentle with me. We stayed at the pool for over two hours, it was close to six in the morning and my contractions were getting pretty close to eight minutes apart so we decided it was time for us to go. Darlene called a cab for us to go straight to the hospital since it's closer from here than from my apartment. I had a couple contractions in the car, worst possible place for these to happen. I moaned in discomfort, they're much stronger when I'm out of the water. The cab driver looked at me with this questioning look in his rearview mirror, when it happened again he got suspicious.

"You okay man?"

I had my eyes closed rocking sideways trying to manage my pain until it eased but I didn't speak, I don't want to talk to these people. 

"He's got appendicitis, that's why we're going to the hospital so if you could hurry that would be great."

The dude looked at Darlene this time, he stared at her for several seconds but in the end, took her word and sped up a bit. Once at the hospital, Erica already had a room ready, Darlene had texted her that we're on our way. I got admitted and was given a cotton gown but they let me stay in my sweatpants and t-shirt for now. I don't want to wear that gown at all so I'm gonna try and stay away from it as long as possible. Once in the room Erica did a quick examination, checked my blood pressure, heartbeat and so on, for now, it's all within the norm but she's worried my placenta could rupture again at some point during labor. She lifted up my shirt and felt around my stomach to check what position the kid is in and even now I still can't get used to her doing it. A really bad contraction ripped through me while she was pushing on my stomach, my face turned into a grimace of pain, I tried being quiet so far but this time I whined fairly loudly, one forearm over my eyes.

"I know it hurts, I know." Erica cooed not even once stopping what she was doing. 

All of a sudden I got really tired, come to think of it I haven't slept all day yesterday and all night, I can already tell this is not going to end well. After the examination, two thick bands were strapped to my stomach one of them measures the kid's heartbeat and the other will measure my contractions.

"I'll leave you two alone now, if anything happens you can press this button and a nurse will come to help you."

A nurse?! No, I don't want anyone else.

"Why can't you come?" I really don't want to deal with strangers.

"I don't want any nurses."

"You're not my only patient Elliot, there are others that need me."

"There must be other doctors." I can't imagine she'd be the only doctor on this floor. 

"But they're my patients, they're assigned to me, just like you are. Trust me it'll be alright, you have one specific nurse assigned to you, she was instructed to not make any comments, it'll be fine. I'll try and come to you as often as I'll be able to but I'm not making any promises."

With that, she exited the room, leaving me and Darlene alone. What the fuck is supposed to happen now? I'm just going to wait until something happens? I have nothing to distract me here. Just as I was engrossed in my own thoughts I realized something. 

"Flipper! We fucking left Flipper alone, shit."

"Relax, I got it taken care of, I sent Angela a text to leave Flipper with your landlord and to bring your hospital bag."

Great, now Angela knows I'm in labor, I didn't want her to know, I thought I was gonna be able to not tell her about it until he's born. God knows what she'll do when she's here. 

"Can you not let her hang around when she gets here, I want as few people as possible."

"I thought you two were on good terms."

"We are, I just don't want her here for this."

"As you wish..." She expressed with an exhausted sigh.

I laid down and stared at the blank white ceiling like it could tell me my future.

"Why didn't you tell me you were having contractions?"

I kept staring at the boring ceiling tiles.

"How is that of any relevance right now, Darlene?"

"Why didn't you tell me? Don't you think that's an important thing to bring up?"

She barely finished her sentence when I began mine.

"I DIDN'T KNOW, Darlene, don't you think I would have said something. I don't know what these are supposed to feel like I've been in so much pain lately I just thought it was the usual! I only put two and two together when we were at the pool." 

My annoyance slowly died down with my last words. She said nothing in return, not right away at least.

"Sorry..." 

I went back to staring at the ceiling, finally, it seemed as if my body couldn't take it anymore and I felt death's half brother, sleep wash over me and take me away for a few hours of rest.

***

Somehow I woke up even more in pain than I had fallen asleep in, I looked over at the machine which showed a contraction had just ended, it's probably what woke me up. I looked around to see I was alone, but now there was an exercise ball in the corner of the room and my hospital bag laid next to the wall. Means Angela was here, she didn't stick around, good. Where the heck is Darlene? I sat on the edge of the bed and had a better look at the monitoring machine, his heartbeat is still steady, he's not in distress, good. I need to find Darlene. Where is she? I stood up and took a few steps, didn't take long until I run out of cables, I didn't even make it to the door. Fuck, I'm trapped in here. How do I get out of here? Turning back around to get back to the bed, I felt a strong contraction tighten the muscles in my midsection, not being close enough to neither the bed nor the door I had no leverage, I felt my legs almost give out under me. I held the underside of my stomach like that's gonna make a difference. This one was so painful my breath got caught in my throat, I began taking small quick shallow breaths of air, my body is just automatically doing what it feels could help, I'm not in control of my actions. At last, it eased off, no way in hell that was eight minutes anymore. How long was I asleep? I checked the results on the machine to see when was the last one; five minutes ago. Fucking five minutes ago? I don't like this one bit.

"No-one said you had to like it."

Mr. Robot was now sitting in the chair Darlene had previously occupied.

"And what are you doing here?"

"Elliot, this is a major event for you. You really thought I was gonna pass that up?"

I walked closer to the bed now.

"You've come to see the fruits of your one-night stand huh? You happy now?"

Mr. Robot rose from his seat and stood right in from of me like he was my mirror image.

"This is so much more than that, Elliot. Do you not see? You have a chance for something new, have a different life, disregard the conception, hell it was an accident I didn't mean for this to happen but can't you realize what good can come from this."

"Shut up, I don't need this 'your life is going to change forever' kind of speech. I've had plenty of time to think about that." 

"Then why are you mad at me?" 

"Just, go away! I don't want you here!." 

Just then Darlene walked in, some brown paper bag in hand and a paper cup in the other, she stopped in the doorway looking at me confused but she walked in eventually.

"What's going on?"

I looked back to see the space in front of me vacant, he's gone.

"Nothing. What's in the bag?"

She put it down on a table at the foot of the bed.

"Well, since you were asleep I thought I'd get some breakfast, I ran into Erica in the hallway, she said you can't eat much now but I got you some yogurt and a bagel." 

"I'm not hungry now but thanks anyway."

"You should eat it soon, I don't know if they'll let you eat later." 

From my position next to the bed, I was about to reach for the bag when another contraction stopped me in my tracks, instead, I grabbed the bed frame with so much force my fist trembled and my knuckles turned white, I gritted my teeth grunting at the pain. I forgot they were five minutes apart now. Darlene stood beside me, took me into a side hug and rubbed my back. Not that, that'll do anything but the gesture is nice, I leaned into her almost burying my face into the crook of her neck until the contraction eased off. When it stopped and I realized what I just did I felt strange, I needed that touch but this isn't like me, I hope this strange behavior will stop when this is all over. I took a step away from Darlene, unsure of how she feels about this.

"Sorry." 

She walked to the other side to sit on the chair.

"It's okay, they're gonna get pretty intense so I'm here if you need me."

Does that mean she'd let me do that again? Let's not dwell on it. I finally reached for the damned bagel, sat back in bed and began tearing it into bitesize pieces and eating them. A few minutes later Erica walked in to check up on me and... to... see if I'm dilating. God never again do I want to say these words. First, she checked the machines next to the bed, the kid's doing alright and the contractions are regular with five-minute intervals. I had to take off my pants for her to examine me. She says I'm four centimeters dilated and that I've entered Active Labour.

"I should warn you that they're gonna get quite a bit stronger so prepare yourself for that, also you should put on the gown soon because I'll be coming in more frequently to check you."

Nevertheless, she let me put my sweats back on for now.

***

It's been two hours since Erica came to check on me, I feel like something's wrong, the contractions haven't changed, they're still at five minutes apart. I've been in labor for almost twelve hours and the pain is really getting unbearable, I feel like my pelvis is on the verge of snapping in half and the pressure is so bad I have trouble walking. I'm lying in bed on my side trying to make it through the waves of pain, it helps that they're in somewhat equal intervals so I know when they're coming, Darlene was standing by the bed rubbing the small of my back trying to help me relax. I squeezed my eyes shut feeling another one coming, I tried burying my face deep into the bed linens, clutching onto a blanket to get me through it. I grunted and then took short quick breaths as it eased. I let go of the blanket and let my body relax for the couple minutes of rest I get in between, my eyes still closed.

"How are holding up?" 

I opened my eyes to see Mr. Robot standing over me next to the bed.

"Shouldn't this be going a little..." He moved his hands in a circular motion to show flow. "...faster? Don't you think? I thought you'd be freaking out by this point but I guess you're in too much pain to do that."

I know he's just taunting me, he doesn't know more about this than I do.

"Exactly, I know precisely as much as you and I know that something is wrong. You know it too, Elliot. There's a pattern to this and it gets progressively close together. Right? And so far things seemed to have... slowed down, haven't they? And as far as I know, no, sorry. As far as You know, that's not supposed to happen."

How do I get him to stop fucking with me?

"Oh, I'm not fucking with you, I'm just looking after you." 

I closed my eyes again and when I opened them he was gone. When my next contraction came, I again buried myself in the sheets but this time I felt an electric pain come from somewhere close to my groin, it felt like something snapped. I let out a cry of pain this time but not because of the contraction, Darlene was immediately alarmed.

"What happened?"

My breath hitched in shock.

"AH- Something's wrong." 

I curled up feeling even more pain than before, my eyes shut, welled with tears and Darlene quickly clicked the call button for help. Almost instantly I heard the nurse assigned to me show up at the door. 

"Please get Dr. Daniels, quickly!"

Darlene instructed and just held onto me not knowing how to help me, the nurse disappeared and soon enough Erica walked into the room.

"What's happened?"

She looked between me and Darlene for an answer.

"Nothing was changing, for two hours he's been having contractions but I don't think anything is happening and now suddenly he's in pain and says something's wrong."

Now Erica spoke directly to me.

"Elliot, where does it hurt?" 

It took a moment before I spoke because of the pain.

"The bones, in my crotch." I kept one hand on the previously mentioned area, having no idea what could have happened to me.

The girls pushed me onto my back, which made whatever happened hurt. Erica pulled my sweats down a bit and with a gloved hand she pressed on my pubic bone, I moaned at the pain her touch caused.

"You fractured your pubic symphysis, you'll be fine it didn't break all the way. How are his contractions?"

She spoke to Darlene while she was removing my pants off completely, to check me.

"They've been the same since you were here the last time."

Erica bent my legs and pushed them off to the side causing me even more pain, I felt her gloved hand enter my orifice. 

"Elliot you have to get moving, you can't lay in bed anymore."

She covered me with the thin blue sheet that laid next to me.

"Didn't you just say my pelvis just broke?!"

"It's fractured, you can still walk, in fact, you have to walk. Because you were lying this whole time, you've been dilating and the contractions are pushing the baby down but he can't move down because it's too narrow in there, you have to get moving and help him come down, you can also bounce on the exercise ball a bit, things should pick up their pace from there."

Reluctantly I sat down only to be attacked by a contraction. Erica handed me the hospital gown. 

"Put it on. I'll get the nurse to hook you up with wireless monitoring." 

She removed the bands that were on my stomach and I headed into the bathroom to change into the gown, every step I took caused me pain right in the middle of my crotch. I came out and Darlene tied knots down my back, the nurse was already there with a miniature version of the big machine next to my bed, on a strap. The same bands from before were placed on my stomach and I slung the smaller machine they were connected to, across my shoulders. For the first time, I had a good look at the nurse, she had brown hair and a gentle face with full lips and big blue eyes. She's a couple inches shorter than me and her hair was pinned back in a bun, her nails were well taken care of but not painted. She's cute. What? Where did that thought come from? I think my brain is so tired it's not making sense anymore. Once she hooked everything up I was allowed to leave the room, Darlene opened the door and lead the way. We walked down the hallway, I was practically glued to the wall looking at the floor, I was very reluctant to walk out there especially in this slightly reveling gown but at least it's not pink. People were passing next to us, from patients to doctors I felt particularly self-conscious next to other pregnant women, no-one was told about me but it's pretty obvious what's happening, Darlene held my hand to comfort me. She and I walked down the hospital hallway for over a half hour if not over forty minutes, back and forth hoping it would help in any way while I didn't really feel any difference I felt the weight in my stomach shift over a period of time. Once back in the room I tried the ball because I'm just desperate for him to come out now, things were definitely moving along as my contractions have decidedly gotten closer together, after some time of bouncing up and down I noticed what felt like bone against bone deep within me. Judging from what Erica said I'd guess it's his head making contact with my pelvis which means he's definitely lower, it wasn't like that before, it made me happy, finally, something good is happening. We were sitting quietly in the room, Darlene on her phone, me bouncing on the exercise ball, you could have heard a pin drop it was so quiet and all of a sudden the machine started beeping loudly and making a lot of noise. I stopped bouncing and looked over the device, I don't know how it works so I don't know what it says, all I can tell is that something is wrong with the kid. Darlene pressed the call button for help, the machine is going crazy it feels like the beeping is getting more frequent, the longer this stupid thing goes on it makes me more nervous. Why is it beeping? What is happening? Why hasn't anyone come to help yet?! I'm getting frustrated and feel tears beginning to well in my eyes.

"Hey, Elliot, don't freak out it's okay." 

Darlene was next to me trying to get me to stop but I won't stop until this damned thing turns off. The nurse opened the door and the machine stopped beeping, just like that as if nothing had happened. I sat back on the bed so the nurse could check what set off the monitors, she looked at all the information the machine provided and checked all the cables and the bands. I saw her glance at me and I could have sworn she smirked. What's so funny? I can't imagine my exhausted, teary-eyed and slightly snotty face being something funny so why did she smirk? 

"Everything is okay Sir, the band must've moved out of place which caused the machine to misread the information and set off the alarm." 

She made sure everything was okay with me and proceeded to leave the room.

***

I can't take it anymore, the contractions are excruciating and I feel like a log is trying to make its way between my legs. The fact that my pelvis fractured doesn't help either, it just adds to the pain.

"Things are getting somewhere now, aren't they?"

Mr. Robot showed up next to my bed while I was straight up screaming at the now unbearable pain, the contractions are coming in at about two-minute intervals now. He walked up to the machine next to the bed and looked at the paper that registered my contractions.

"To be honest I'm surprised you're doing so well, you're tougher than I thought... Wow! this one went off the chart. Wouldn't want to be in your place that's for sure."

He twirled a cigarette between his fingers, a habit he picked up a few months ago since he didn't want to smoke next to me. I looked at him completely livid. Why is he still here? Just leave me alone already!

"Relax, I'm just dropping by, although next time I'm here there'll probably be a baby in the room."

He went away and Erica walked in, gloves in hand; I already know what she's here for. Now it was her turn to walk up to the monitor, checking both on the kid and how my contractions are doing. 

"Hmm, they're getting pretty bad I see." 

"Can't you give me an epidural or something?"

I could still feel the pain linger in my muscles, she looked at me with pity.

"It's a little too late for that, honey. I heard you had a little scare with the monitors going off." 

"Yeah but apparently it was nothing." It was Darlene's turn to chime in.

"It's understandable, these things aren't exactly without fail, so, sometimes they go off just because they fail to pick up a heartbeat but everything looks okay now. Alright, let's see how are things going on down there."

Even through the pain I still managed to get in a proper position for her to check me, she put on a pair of gloves and sat down at my feet. To be frank I'm glad my stomach is large because I really don't want to see any of what she's doing.

"You're very close to the finish line, nine centimeters, only one more to go."

She stood up from the stool and took her gloves off. I whined.

"I can't anymore, at least give me something for the pain."

"Too late Elliot, I'm not gonna be risking giving you medication when you're so close. You'll get through it, I'll be back in a few and get everything ready, it won't be long now." 

She left the room and every now and then after that, the nurse, who I've learned is called Mary, would bring into the room a few things and generally prepared the room. On my end, while I slowly suffered through contractions after some time I felt something in my muscles change, I had the faint feeling that my body was telling me to bear down, I don't like that feeling at all. Maybe a half-hour later Erica was back in the room and something tells me, this time she's not walking out for a while. The previously faint feeling now became an URGE, with the atmosphere in the room and how I was feeling, I started panicking. 

"I'm not ready for this."

My voice was quivering, I shook my head violently to the sides, even after sixteen hours of pain, it seemed like my body had regained all of its strength back and I was suddenly ready to leave. I even began getting off the bed but all three of the girls stopped me. 

"Elliot, what are you doing?!"

Almost all of them said the same thing in unison, I was still trying to fight them off, freaking out.

"I can't do this, no! I'm not ready!"

I could feel tears welling in the corners of my eyes and then an extreme contraction locked me in place, my upper body began to shake from the sheer force it was generating, I felt nauseous. Erica looked at me with the most serious face I've ever seen on her features. 

"There's no stopping this now Elliot, you have to do this. Running away is not gonna make this any better."

After the contraction passed I couldn't move, from fear. She hurried to check me although at this point I'd say it's a no brainer where we're at. Darlene held my hand to comfort me but probably to comfort herself too. 

"It's gonna be okay, you'll be fine."

She was looking at Erica as if she wanted her to validate her words.

"Yeah, he's still in a hurry to meet you but don't push yet! I want you to save some energy, wait until I tell you."

Darlene wiped some sweat off my forehead.

"Don't touch me!"

They lifted up the stirrups that were built into the bed, just seeing them at that moment terrified me even more. I was having a full-on panic attack by this point, my hands shaking, my chest - going up and down; hyperventilating, just straight up crying from the stress and pain I was experiencing. On my next contraction, I screamed bloody murder, the whole hallway probably heard it, wondering what's happening in the room. Ten minutes later the pressure between my legs had built up immensely, so much so that it felt like my genitals were going to fall off. 

"I can't wait any longer!" I cried out, out of breath - I feel like I'm going to pass out. The nurse walked around to the other side of the bed where Darlene stood and showed her how to use another machine that hung on the wall close the bed and handed me an oxygen mask. 

"Breathe in and out sir, you're running out of oxygen."

"Stop calling me sir!" 

"Elliot!"

She walked back to her spot on the other side and Darlene scolded me.

"Sorry..."

"It's okay." She gave me a meek smile. 

The girls put my legs in the stirrups and Erica placed herself between my legs, this is getting a little too real. 

"Alright Elliot, on your next contraction push, don't strain just push as long as it lasts."

As she said, when the next one came I pushed and felt the fracture in my pelvis hurt worse.

"IT HURTS! Hurts! I don't want the stirrups."

Thankfully they obliged to my request and brought the stirrups down.

"Darlene, Mary, hold his legs."

"What?" 

Darlene was completely confused while the nurse was ready for action. 

"Hold his legs! He's not gonna do it himself, just do what Mary does."

As instructed the girls held my legs up one hand under my knees the other holding my feet, Darlene looked at what the nurse was doing, not sure if she was doing it right. Several contractions later with the girls helping me through I was absolutely drained of any strength, crying from exhaustion, a mess of emotions running through my body and mind. Out of all the sensations, I was feeling, this new one was probably the worst.

"The baby is crowning, come on Elliot, push!"

I felt the new sensation increase, as his head was making his way through all I could feel was this burning, stinging fire in my stretched tissues. I screamed as I pushed, I've completely lost track of time, I have no idea how long this has been going on.

"Just a couple more pushes and the head will be out."

The contractions are pretty much one on top of the other by now, I can't tell when they end. Darlene looked at me with this look that was full of sympathy, as if she wanted to lift up my spirits with just a shared gaze.

"You're doing amazing Elliot."

I could see that her eyes were slightly wet. 

"Alright! The head is out, let's get the shoulders out now."

When my next contraction came, I didn't push, I couldn't, my body is too worn out, I just suffered through it. 

"Hey! Don't you go limp on me! He's almost here, come on, you can do it." 

Darlene noticed I'm not alright and tried to encourage me but I can't anymore, I'm too weak. Then Erica's quiet voice was barely heard from her seated position, her concern was palpable.

"Oh no..." 

All I saw was both of the girls - Darlene and the nurse looked at Erica and their eyes grew.

"Aw, shit." Coming from Darlene these were the only words spoken. 

"What?! What is it?!"

"Nothing, you're just gonna have to deliver this baby a little quicker." 

"TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!" 

I felt light-headed all of a sudden so I grabbed the oxygen mask to breathe into for a bit. They all looked at me with these looks, I could tell none of them wanted to tell me the truth but in the end, Erica was the one to speak.

"Elliot... you're bleeding, profusely. The placenta probably ruptured because of all the struggle, we need to get him out ASAP."

Is this a fucking joke?! It can't be happening again, no... 

"Elliot? Are you still with me?"

I looked at her and nodded even though my eyes probably looked void of any emotion at this moment. 

"I warned you this could happen, you gotta stay with me." 

She kept looking at me awaiting some sort of response.

"You hear me, Elliot?"

Again I looked at her completely emotionless and nodded.

"Good. Now on your next contraction push, he's almost here." 

As the next few contractions rolled in I saw the last couple of months flash before my eyes; that day I found out and thought everything was over, the first time I felt him kick or the first ultrasound, the gift Darlene got me for Christmas, the time when I thought he was gone... Everything that had happened came back to me in this one big wave of memories, I've grown too attached to this kid. I screamed as I felt his shoulders make their way through. 

"Great job! Just one more push and it'll be over, come on!."

I was now full on sobbing, this is too much. 'Please be okay, I've gone through too much to lose you now.' On my last contraction, I cried out feeling his tiny form egress out of my body, my eyes drowned in tears. The nurse quickly helped Erica out with the kid, they cut the cord and the nurse took him away to a table in the corner of the room. I don't understand what's happening, why did they take him away? Why hasn't he made a sound yet?! It's over this time... he's gone, I failed.

"What's going on?! Why isn't he crying?!" 

I sobbed harder, as I wasn't getting any answers, Darlene hid her face in her hands, scared. All I could see was his lifeless limbs shaken around as Mary seemed to be rubbing him hard with a towel. I had absolute disregard for any other pain I was currently feeling, he was now my top priority. After what felt like hours but was probably just seconds, a piercing wail filled the room, my heart skipped a beat, a new wave of tears filled my eyes as I heard him cry after what felt like forever. Finally, Mary turned around, the kid swaddled in a blanket, she began walking towards me and I outstretched my arms to hold him, like a toddler asking for his teddy. Noticing that the top part of my gown had ridden off my shoulders, the nurse undid the blanket a bit and laid his blue-gray little naked body on my chest, there was still some blood on him but I didn't care, I couldn't believe he's actually in my arms. Tears of joy were now falling down my cheeks, Darlene came closer just as speechless as I was, a huge grin on her face. She looked me in the eyes with the most sincere look I've ever seen on her face.

"I'm so proud of you, Elliot."

I felt a heavy wave of fatigue come over me but thought nothing of it, I'm the happiest I've ever been, I looked at his scrunched up face again taking in all his gorgeous features. They slowly got darker and darker and I felt my arms get heavier and any sort of strength I still had left, exited my body. My eyes closed as everything went black and I vaguely heard someone yell out my name in distress.

***

I woke up, disoriented and confused, I opened my eyes to once again see the boring white hospital ceiling tiles. I rubbed my eyes with one hand and grunted as the pain in my lower half made itself apparent. Two women quickly stood by me, I sat up a bit to see more of my surroundings, Darlene and Angela bombarded me with questions.

"Are you okay?" 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Do you need anything?"

I just woke up and I already want to go back to sleep so I don't have to listen to them. 

"What happened?"

Now they both got quiet before I got an answer.

"You passed out... Erica said something about how the exertion along with the blood loss from the rupture caused your blood pressure to drop but they took out the placenta, stopped the bleed and stabilized you."

Then I heard a child's gurgle and noticed the lone hospital crib that stood off to the side, without a word I stood up wanting to go see him but I couldn't catch my balance, my legs giving out at the knees and my head ached madly, Darlene helped me stand.

"Hey, get back in bed, you shouldn't be walking, you lost a lot of blood you have to rest."

"I want to see him." I protested.

"Lay down and I'll bring him to you."

She waited until I did what she asked and then walked over to the crib and took him into her arms. Carefully she walked back to me and handed him over, Angela looked at all of this, awestruck, she couldn't wipe the smile off her face. I finally got to get a good look at him, he's clean, they must have given him a bath while I was out. His eyes are bright blue, I wonder if they'll change or is that their definitive color. He already has my lips and his ears stick out, there's barely any hair on his head, he needs a hat. There's a couple of bruises on his face but I guess that's what happens when you're forced through such a small opening. 

"I have something for him." 

Angela walked over to her bag on the chair and pulled something out of it, she turned around with a beige teddy bear in hand. She walked closer.

"He can sleep with it or something." 

"Thanks... What time was it when he was born?" 

I looked at the clock on the wall to see it was past 8 pm. 

"Uh, I think it was 17:48, yeah." 

Hmm, I was out for over two hours, two hours without him. 

"Elliot? Did you find a name for him in the end?" 

Right, he needs a name... I looked at this face again, he's so peaceful. 

"...Chris. I'll call him Christian." 

Both of the girls smiled at the name. The doors opened and Mary walked in left some towels and left, just before she closed the door I saw my worst nightmare waiting in the hallway. 

"Was that Gideon?"

Angela's face turned pale, I rose my voice.

"What is he doing here?! Angela? Don't tell me he knows."

She was terrified, how did she not expect me to find out?!

"I didn't mean to Elliot, Darlene had just texted me that you gave birth so I rushed out of the office but he stopped me and demanded I tell him where I'm going. I blurted out that I'm going to see you at the hospital and he got worried right away and said he's coming with me, I couldn't stop him, you know how he is when he's set on something." 

I saw red.

"You had no right!" 

"Elliot I didn't mean to-"

"Leave." 

"What?"

"LEAVE!"

I yelled so loud that I felt dizzy and Christian started crying, Angela gathered her things and rushed out of the room, hopefully taking Gideon with her. Fuck... How do I go back to work after this? Since he kept crying I rocked him in my arms a little, cooing. I remembered how Mary laid him on my chest so I pulled my gown down a little bit and held him close, maybe the warmth of my body with reassure him. Thankfully he stopped fussing and just laid on me almost as if he was trying to listen to my heart, strangely enough, this felt good, I closed my eyes and laid there with him while Darlene sat back in the chair to check her phone. I could feel him move around but still made sure he didn't fall, I was on the verge of falling asleep when there was this strange sensation on my nipple, my eyes snapped open and I saw him sucking on it. What am I supposed to do? I was about to try and pry him off of me when Darlene stopped me.

"Don't. Leave him." 

"But-"

"Elliot, just try and see how it is. If it really bothers you then you can bottle feed him."

I said nothing in return and just tried to hold him the best I could, I wasn't really sure what to do so it felt kind of awkward at first but I relaxed as the time passed. I kind of got lost in my thoughts looking at him, It's so strange to not feel him in my stomach anymore. 

"Hey, Darlene. What day is it?"

"Tuesday." She didn't even look up from her phone.

"I mean, of the month." 

"Oh yeah, sorry. It's the fourth of March."

The fourth of March... that's his birthday, I wonder how fast time will fly by until next year.

"Well I'll be damned, you actually did it." 

Mr. Robot was now sitting on the side of my bed. 

"Don't worry about me, I'll be out in a pinch just wanted to see the little sucker."

Chris had now stopped and, fell asleep in my arms, Mr. Robot came up a bit closer.

"Can I hold him?" 

Reluctantly I let him hold the kid, he swaddled him up closed to him and murmured some things to him quietly. After some time of dancing around the room with a baby in his arms, he gave him back to me and disappeared, maybe I don't have to fear him.


	16. I Love You

March - One week later 

Because of the complications, I had to stay at the hospital all day and was discharged early the next morning, I was told to wear the support band as much as possible to help keep my pelvis aligned as it heels and to not stand for too long, frankly with a newborn I feel like I have to be on my feet all the time, he constantly needs something. My apartment isn't really cramped but I had to clean out my dresser a bit to fit in all the baby clothes and his crib is kind of taking up space, I don't know how I'll manage as he gets older, I'm gonna need a bigger place. In the end, I decided to nurse him, turns out it's not as bad as I thought and, I feel like I'm forming a bond with him. I don't know why I thought I would distance myself from him but... he needs me and I've come to realize I need him. Flipper laid in her dog bed and I was alone as Darlene went shopping, I was just done nursing him so I was shirtless rocking him in my arms to burp him when someone knocked at the door. Since I'm not expecting anyone I don't even give it a thought and keep my focus on Chris, whoever it is, is bound to leave at some point. About a minute passed and there it was again, louder but I still didn't get the door. 

"Elliot, this is Gideon, I know you're in there so could you please open the door?" 

His voice ever so slightly rose so I could hear him through the door. What the hell does he think he's doing? Why did he even come here?! ...Shit.

"Please? I know you probably don't want to see me but I need to talk to you." 

There's nothing to talk about, I'm not even supposed to go back to work yet. 

"What do you want?" I answered through the door, I don't even know why I engaged in this conversation, that was a bad decision. 

"Really, I just want to talk." 

Fuck, I'm probably going to regret this but... I put on a t-shirt and holding Christian in my arms I went to open the door. I didn't even say a word and just let Gideon come in; his face was a little stunned at the sight of a newborn in my arms. Who am I kidding? If I were him I'd probably be a little weirded out too. 

"You've come to personally tell me you don't want me at Allsafe anymore?"

"What?! NO. Elliot, that's ridiculous, I want you back as soon as your parental leave is over." 

Parental leave? Where the hell did that come from?

"Since when am I on parental leave? We had a deal, I work from home and come back in four months, there's no parental leave."

"Well, you're on parental leave now, PAID parental leave. You should have told me the truth, Elliot." 

I turned away, finally, I was done with Chris and laid him in his crib to sleep.

"You weren't supposed to find out." 

"Did you really think you could hide something like that for long?"

Gideon looked at me or rather studied me as I cleaned up things off the countertop. It's probably mind-boggling for him to see me like that; my hair completely disheveled, huge bags under my eyes, wearing a baggy shirt to hide my distended stomach, I can feel his eyes on me. 

"Please stop starring Gideon."

"Sorry."

A couple more silent minutes passed by before he spoke again, this time looking at the crib. 

"What's his name?" 

"Did Angela forget to mention it to you?"

"Don't blame her, she did nothing wrong-"

"You don't know, what I went through, Gideon. She had no right to tell you anything about this! You shouldn't even be here asking this question."

"Maybe I don't but she really isn't the culprit here, don't be mad at her, If anything, be mad at me."

He looked off to the side.

"...his name's Christian." 

He got closer to the crib. 

"He's beautiful. Takes after you, you're lucky, my partner and I wish we could have kids of our own but that's not possible." 

"Is that what you've come to tell me?" 

"No, I've come to tell you that you're getting a raise." 

"What? Why?" 

"Because you deserve it and you're gonna need it."

"And you couldn't do that over e-mail? You know, I don't need pity from you" 

"Not that I couldn't, I didn't want to. You've gotta understand, after what I learned a week ago, I kind of have to see it with my own eyes. Take the help, it's not that hard. Okay?

He walked up to me. 

"For the future, just know that when things like that happen, you can tell me, Elliot. Don't hide it, and if you need help with him, with anything just ask. I'd be happy to help." 

I couldn't stand looking at him, instead, I chose to look at the ground.

"Sure, thanks."

Now again he walked a couple steps away not saying anything, neither did I.

"Excuse my curiosity but, how is it? How does it feel?"

"What?"

"How does it feel... to, give birth?"

Never in a hundred years did I thought he'd ever ask me that, Jesus.

"Gideon, no, I am not gonna talk about that with you, ask a woman. Now did you tell me everything you wanted?"

"Uh, right sorry, I'll be going now."

I walked him to the door and closed them behind him. Now we'll see how things go, God, I still have to somehow get back to my sessions with Krista. I have to learn to organize my time with him here now, damn, things are gonna get a lot harder. I walked up to his crib, leaned over and caressed his cheek with the back of my finger. 

"I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked the story tell me what you thought in the comments, I'd love to read your opinions. If you want a sequel to this, let me know.


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